Resignation For Now

Life is full of choices, and not always the ones we want to make. I find myself having to choose between numbers of pursuits and teaching four grades to four kiddos. Part of the struggle is finding time, energy, and ability to do blogs, research, continuing education in addition to workouts or any self-care in union with teaching, rearing, and caring for four kids. For now, I'm choosing to do my core job of kids; therefore, having to forgo blogs and/or any online pursuits/offerings (outside of my Scripture blog). Trying to keep up this blog offering, planning for online studio, etc., just isn't feasible at this time, so I reluctantly say goodbye for now. Take care!

Days 65-74 Trials and Errors

Anything and everything in life seems to be trials and errors....I find a small bit of peace in all the chaos and lose it just as easily as if a strong wind came through the house. The problem seems to be the sheer amount of the load on my shoulders. So routinely, I go through the lists and assigned stuffs and try and figure out what can be tossed or reworked or (fingers crossed) reassigned to someone else. I'm definitely at a familiar cross roads fighting with all I have not to be codependent in any of it. I feel I'm dangerously close to losing that battle some days. It's simple and yet so very, very hard (feeling impossible) to do what's mine to do and not resent what shouldn't be mine to do (but is anyway). Trying my best to figure out a better way, to find balance in perspective and action, and to not give up on everything!

That's the rant and whine of what goes on with me at times (now in fact), and why when folks outside the "glass house" throw all the "it is just easy for me" (why the hell would this be easy for anyone & wth is wrong with 'them' to suggest that they are such hot house lilies that they can't do or shouldn't have to do?) We all have a mountain of everything (why?). When I study back to the life (real deal life, not the fantasy version of history life) of just the last century pre 1950s (and worse if you look at what they had to do in days/weeks/years of centuries/time periods before the Industrial Revolution). How are we not consumed by freedoms (given the enormity of modern conveniences that have taken so much work out of our days) instead of the other way around? How do we have so much on our plates? This mere fact seems like such utter nonsense that I feel the need to break stuff (as I have absolutely no tolerance for stupidity and inefficiency). I am a hard worker, don't mind hard work, have always been a 'can do' kinda gal, but this is nucking futs!

What is wrong with our times that we are working harder than necessary to move absolutely nowhere worth going? I'm glad I asked ;-) It's the societal norms that do not matter that have taken over our freedoms! Just imagine if you were without your instant techno feed (smart phones that are making us stupid, tv shows that have become part of our daily to-do lists for crying out loud, keeping up with the neighbors who are equally as miserable, or fighting against the peer pressure of the nonsense which is equally exhausting, dragging our kids along in all of this mess to keep up and do things that do not matter, or fighting against all of that and then all the work involved in teaching them to swim upstream against the nonsense, etc.). Enough!

Picking up after all the downstreamers while I am trudging upstream and trying to teach my kids how not to succumb to peer pressure of worldly possession grabbing and posturing about with unquenched thirst of ego is draining! Worth it, but grueling! My best advice to all the unicorns out there who are trying to live 'right' in a 'wrong' world, stay the course....it's the straight and narrow, and definitely not the well worn path by many, but it will be okay and you will be better for having persevered! As for how to find balance in it.....well, some days are easier than others, but just take a necessary deep breath on the days you want to chuck it!!!

Days 58-64 Self Care

Self-care means different things to different people and depending on whether you are referring to physical, mental, or spiritual. Growing up in a dysfunctional home of many levels of dysfunction, all self-care was thought selfish and unacceptable....So, even something as simple and elementary as applying lotion to my body on a daily basis seems still trite and luxurious all at the same time. Intellectually, I know this to be silly. In practice, it takes a lot of effort. Similarly, taking time to work out is an ongoing struggle for most and one I've mostly overcome (by seeing it as helping my kiddos witness and practice taking care of oneself so they will habitually be healthy). Self-care on a mental level is being able to tend to one's own thoughts/needs and actually believing those are as important as anyone else's entitlement to such. It's difficult when one is overly engaged to be able to be quiet enough to get back to the basics of self-care. It's easier to be numb and just do and be socially involved....but that is neither functional, healthy, or long-term viable/sustainable. Always take the time to evaluate, reevaluate that you are moving forward not just being carried along in the daily push/pulls of existence! 

Days 46-57 Inward

Being in a self-reflective place is good...pulling inward and disallowing for a time all the outside noise (outer circle of acquaintances, friends, social media, etc.). Giving yourself the space and time to view, analyze, assess your life and circumstances and ongoing influences for what they are in relative quiet from everyone else's persuading pushes and pulls (positive and negative) is necessary to find center and determine what is going right and what is going wrong and in need of correction. We are entirely too "plugged in" to all these pushes and pulls through agenda driven television and movies, social media, social groups (in person engagement.....actually those still exist in today's virtual realm of influence and interaction), news feeds, and the like. Unplug for a beat and sit in the quiet of your mind/thoughts/reflections. Life will still move all around you like a hummingbird at a feeder, but it can survive without you for a breath. Growth cannot exist without such quiet! Calm and balance cannot be had without such meditation....It is an illusion that our presence in this chatter is a helpful or good thing to those in the chatter or to us (it's all just noise distracting you from actual life)!

Day 45 What's Your Circle?

I mentioned "your circle" yesterday, and then it occurred to me some might not know what I mean....Your circle is your group of close peeps. Your circle can be small or large, close in proximity or spread all over the map. Your circle can be in contact daily or not. Your circle are the people you've determined you can trust your soul and heart and thoughts. If your circle is contaminated with dysfunctional abusers then your circle will be harmful to you. When I say "clean your circle", I mean purge the dysfunctional abusers from your whole life....that means, you can keep them as acquaintances or remove altogether, but keeping them close to you and sharing your soul, heart, and thoughts will always keep you from peace, balance, joy, and happiness, because dysfunctional abusers will always abuse these sacred trusts. 

Day 44 Happiness

Happiness is a fleeting thing...or can be....I used to think that happiness as a whole (and sometimes even a part) was as rare as unicorns. Happiness, like balance, ebbs and flows for sure, but I now know it's not as temporary or rare as I used to think it was. I now know that if you follow the "pyramid" (below) and deal functionally with everyone (not taking what's not yours under your wing to control or take personally), then life is pretty sweet, joyful, and happy. Life these days is more happy than I ever thought possible. I still work a lot, struggle at times, dabble in and out of stress, but the difference in now and then (when I didn't think happiness was a thing) is I don't let emotional harm "happen to me" by letting bad in my circle. No, I'm not in a bubble. Yes, interactions with non-pyramid followers happens and is part of life. But, the difference (key difference) is I only allow the good, functional, nonabusive into my inner self. I discovered the matrix to happiness, and it's not keeping in dysfunctional inner strife. Clean your circle and get your happiness on....

1.    Universal Laws are true laws in nature and defined by God. To keep these laws, one must simply and always apply the Golden Rule of treating others as they would wish to be treated. Be true to your word and your actions as such.

2.    Identity is your true self. Protection of both your identity and those around you is paramount in keeping with the adherence of Universal Law.

3.    Boundaries are the border of self-protection; the emotional space that you allow or disallow others to participate. Boundaries never violate the Universal Laws, nor do they violate your Identity or the Identity of others.

4.   House Rules are the foundation of the governing body where you reside. House Rules should never impede upon your Boundaries or your Identity and as such will never break Universal Laws.

5.    Preferences are simply your personal likes and dislikes. Preferences have to stay within the appropriate infrastructure created by Universal Laws, yours/others Identity, yours/others Boundaries, and House Rules.

6.   Peer Pressure is never okay in manipulating to gain one’s own desires or against oneself or another. Asking for a desire in compliance with Universal Laws, yours/others Identity, yours/others Boundaries, House Rules, and Preferences is good communication as long as once rejected or accepted is honored and not coerced. Always being true to the Golden Rule is key in steering away from the bad of Peer Pressure. Always being true to your Identity and Boundaries is key in keeping from performing under unspoken Peer Pressure.

Days 40-43 Only The Good

Only sharing the "good" parts works, but it's fake. Only sharing the negative view point relays a whole other host of dysfunction. The Facebook syndrome of sharing all the trumped up press release version of a life you don't even live but maybe a blip of a second and then it's over and the real stuff, the lazy, gross, dysfunctional stuff gets buried so deep inside of you that it becomes this overwhelming burden of shame you carry around with you day in and day out. Or, just as bad, you believe your own press and are this side of a sociopath in the buried misrepresentation of your life, activities, and relationships. What's worse, is most participate in this and don't even realize what's wrong with the lies....because that's what it ends up being. Displaying a five second feeling or happening that nowhere comes close to what your life or relationship is...is a lie. The flip side, are the Eeyores posting completely blown out of proportioned whoa is me, feel sorry for me, beg me to let you help me nonsense. Having grown up with a borderline mother, trust me when I say the victim mentality is the most manipulative ego stroking lying disgusting behavior I've encountered.

So what's my point? At the end of the day, own your reality. I'm not suggesting you post only butterflies and fairy dust. Nor, am I saying that you should air your entire life online or to everyone you come in contact. I'm saying be honest with yourself and those in your circle. I've encountered way too many who become what they post online to everyone, and the 50th selfie pic becomes what they think they look like, their one trip to the garden makes them a gardener, their one hard day makes them a dedicated victim. Every activity or proof of a loving relationship doesn't need to be what you cling to and post....it's not who or what you are anyway, and the lies damage any hope to have it. What and who you are, what you have in your relationships, and all the rest is no different than the numerous attempts of taking your selfie pics.....what you really look like, have, are is when no one is watching or noticing. When you are truly yourself and comfortable and not acting, pretending, sucking it all in, that right there is you and your life. If that right there isn't where or what you want, then change it .... don't fake it so the world thinks better of you. And, don't post fake so you can get your ego soothed....it truly takes away from actually getting to the place you fake being. 

Days 38-39 Not Giving Up

I think I can, I think I can, I know I can, I know I will.....Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's so not. Some days it's a moment by moment need to reset. To live and breathe is to struggle and be tempted by obstacles to just throw in the towel. Not "doing", not "adulting" seems way easier than all the hard. It's not, but it's an easy lure for sure and certain. Breakdowns of not wanting to give two flying....happens, just don't stay there. Consistency is what makes it easy. It's the stopping for too long, getting buried under, losing ground and having to start over (again) that makes it hard. Keep on chugging, keep on swimming, and know that a healthy, functional, fully adulting lifestyle is easier over all, over time.....

Days 37 Doing It All In Balance

It's totally possible as long as you remember this one very important detail.....rotation. Believe it or not, you can work, teach children (school, life lessons, home management, finances, fitness/nutrition etc.), keep your budget in balance, pantry stocked, home cooked meals throughout the week made, clean house, projects and to-do's doing, hobbies, down time, family time, workouts, and all the rest all at once and all in balance. The key is to know 1) perfection doesn't exist & 2) you have to rotate out tasks daily/weekly. An example of rotation for staying on top of it all and in balance:

Clean House

1. Clean as you go by cleaning dishes as you cook, picking up as you walk through a room, putting in a load of laundry around meal times. If you do this in rotation throughout the day/week, your house is always picked up and in order.
2. It's easier to rotate out the heavy cleaning tasks by doing a chore every day which reduces time spent on it and it always being done. Dust lightly once a week, but really well once to twice a month. Wipe down your bathrooms after every shower, but scrub every other week (if you are lightly cleaning every day this is all it takes). Spring Clean throughout the year and it's not such a big ordeal by taking one task a week (e.g., move the furniture in the living room and clean it thoroughly including window treatments once every few months if you are home a lot with multiple people/pets, but less if you are not home much and have little to no inhabitants....and then it takes less time and it's always clean and the weekly clean up is less involved). Always keep your fridge and pantry straightened by wiping, tossing, and straightening as you unload and put away the groceries.
3. Tackle projects/repairs/and the like in increments and in rotation (especially if time is short) and they get done. You don't have to set aside time and expense when you do it this way, added bonus is it's also not such a mental ordeal if you aren't always having to put it off for the nonexistent perfect time.
4. Rotating and doing little bits as you go keeps it done, keeps you organized, keeps you joyful, and frees up an insane amount of time for all the rest on your plate to do, touch, and finish!

Day 36 Expectations

Expectations will getcha ya sometimes for realz! If I go into a lifestyle change, I have to adjust my expectations as I go or I fall off a cliff. I can't expect immediate change for example, but rather slow and steady progress with a side of failing. In that, I can jig and jag and adapt to the necessary while working on the goal at hand. When working with the kids, I have to hope for the best and expect a struggle so I won't get too discouraged ;-) I'd always rather be surprised than defeated. Basically, be a realist with every expectation and be flexible with the adjustments along the way!!! 

Days 34-35 Intentions

Intentions matter only with regard to the emotion behind an action. Intentions matter not at all if the action is not present! Just like buying a bunch of tools doesn't get a house built, neither does intending to workout get the workout done. Intentions are prompts, but action is what determines success or failure. Desire, goals, and planning are integral parts of action, but not the action itself. We can dream, intend, plan all day long, but not until we ACT does the dream, intention, plan ever come to fruition!

Days 32-33 Starts and Restarts

It can be very frustrating and defeating to start something, like a new workout regime, and then stop due to obstacles, etc. Starting and restarting makes you feel a bit crazy and all over the place. It can also make you feel like giving up as if there is no point in trying. Isn't life fun!?! Put aside the 'crazy' and keep on restarting until you breakthrough to what will work.

For me, I am trying to figure out how to balance out all of the to do's with being tired of doing so much and falling behind on everything constantly. The work doesn't go away just because I break down. I just have to keep trying different schedules and what nots until I find the balance of what gets the lists done without dysfunctionally "doing". It's hard because my past codependent self could tackle all of these daily obstacles, but at great costs to me. The patterns I developed for overachieving was so not good (mentally, spiritually, relationships, physically). I have new patterns now, healthier/functional patterns, but they don't "get it all done"....which is kinda the point. We can't get super human lists done in a healthy, noncodependent way, and that's okay...it's okay to not be super human cause none of us are (for long anyway). It's okay to keep trying and failing and trying again until we figure it out. It's okay that "it" doesn't always get done until it does. The only thing that is not okay is to quit trying to be better, know better, do better. So, until I figure out this tetris, I'll keep starting and restarting until I get that tetris in a healthy, noncodependent, non-self-defeating way!

Days 30-31 Organize

An organized environment is indicative of an organized mind....an organized mind is a disciplined mind, lends itself to a functional mind. Declutter your mind and your surroundings and live simply! My mom was a hoarder of sorts and attached way too much emotional attachment (chains) around "stuff". She had a cluttered mind with cluttered thoughts and couldn't "let go" of anything. The "stuff", the clutter became her prison. Hanging on to anything and everything (thoughts or material or people) isn't a healthy/good thing. It keeps you from growing, it keeps you from peace, it keeps you from balance, and it keeps you from being functional/healthy. I'm not suggesting you throw everything out. I am urging you instead to purge what doesn't serve you, assess what you are clinging to, organize and simplify what you keep, and live burdened (chain) free!

Days 24-29 Healing

Last week was a whirlwind of change for me. Beyond meeting with the surgeon and getting a different protocol than surgery, unplanned outpatient biopsies, and recovery....there were numerous other life changing events (of which I won't go into here). It was trying, stressful, painful, but mostly relief filled. I am still healing from the medical procedure, and have several more procedures to go before the year is out, but have good news and many things for which to be grateful!

Healing from physical and emotional wounds is a similar process, and follow the grieving progression. As we heal and gain our self again, gratitude abounds. The pain dissipates and is replaced with relief and mobility. It becomes the reprieve we need to become better and not bitter. This week is very much lighter, but still an integral part of the process to my healing. In all steps of last week and this week, I am extremely thankful!!!!

Day 23 Just An Update...

LOL....if I wasn't so used to pivoting in life, I would seriously be a little nuts right now!!! So good news is I most likely won't have to put my body through a surgery any time soon! That's such a relief!!! I am going to have to go in this morning for two needle biopsies and tags and more scans....which means no working out for this week and part of next.....This is how I look at this: I'm on a challenge to correct my lifestyle back to healthy, clean, and active! This is not a sprint or a race, but an everlasting change. To that end, this isn't a discouraging derailment, but a motivation to eat clean and stay centered and keep balancing the madness of life with the goals I have. Here's the thing with getting fit and healthy....it's 75-80% of what you eat (or don't eat), so that will be my focus for the next 7-10 days. As soon as I am able, I will start back with Yoga, then add in all the workouts etc. My posting may be spotty for just a bit, but I will continue to keep posting these 90 days. For now, kids, doctors, and rest! ttfn ;-)

Days 21-22 Not Giving Up

False starts, failed tries, lack of results and/or motivation.....It's hard when you're in the midst of a challenge (health or what have you), and what you're trying isn't working, or you're overwhelmed by the obstacles and wanting to chuck it all and give up. Don't! It doesn't matter if it's a snail's pace. It doesn't matter if you look crazy with all your various pivots (tactic changes). It doesn't matter if you spend your entire lifetime working toward a life journey. What does matter is that you don't give up! You'll get sidetracked, sideswiped, derailed temporarily, but it's always a mental choice of whether you 'give up' or not....so don't! If the path you're on is one to a healthy, functional, whole being, then it's worth the journey however long and however hilly!!!

Days 18-20 Grief

Grief is a very individual process. We all grieve differently and for different lengths of time. However and for whatever you grieve, you need to fully grieve. All too often, we feel pressured to rush through the process because the folks around us "expect" us to get over (fill in the blank) fast so we can just be whatever to them that they need us to be. WTF and back the truck up! Dysfunction, dysfunction, dysfunction!!! When I unexpectedly lost my dad in 2002, I was expected to be over it to "please" (fill in the blank). I can tell you from numerous experiences with grief that the more you try to push the feelings aside, hurry up to be "normal", etc., the worse and the longer the grieving process takes. And, we don't just grieve for the loss of a loved one. We grieve the loss of relationships, jobs, health, self, motivation to give a hot damn, etc. We grieve when no one (and sometimes including us) know that we are grieving. Bottom-line: Allow yourself and those around you their process. Take a deep breath and feel your feelings, work through them, and grow out of them. Yes, you still have to function, just not at the super human rate you usually do. Take the time necessary to heal because only then can you truly let go of the past to be present in your future!

Day 17 Why The Debate?

"Pearls before swine" much? Harsh I know, but here's the thing....if you're dug into your side and the person you are verbally throwing down in debate is dug into their side....exactly what is being accomplished here? Whether it is politics, religion, eating habits, relationship stuffs, etc., you are not going to change someone's mind by being the loudest in the conversation. Nope, never, not once! If anything, you just make the other person dig in deeper to their view of things. Try this instead: Have a conversation, but if the other person is a horse's ass, then listen for what and where they are....toss in some lines of truth, but don't debate them....and walk away when you can as it's really all you can do to not also become a horse's ass. It's not up to you to change anyone...just work on yourself and let the chips fall where they may regarding another's journey. And besides, you may be wrong in your current view of the truth. That's the real rub, for to concentrate on truth, you have to be willing to look at all sides and not stay just beholden to what you've always thought. You may be right .... but you may be wrong.....(life in song is always the best...name that tune)!

Day 16 Hope vs Faith

Hope is not faith. Faith is believing in something is going to be just because you know it will. Hope is thinking something might be just because you really wish it would. You can have faith in something and be let down and disappointed. That's the punch with faith....Unless, you realize that we were sprinkling hopeful wishes in with our faith. Faith and hope go hand in hand all too often, and the setbacks can be very damaging when we do this without dissecting which is which. Know that just because you really want something to be the reality doesn't make it so, it makes it hopeful. Hope gets crushed when it doesn't come to fruition. But, sometimes not getting what we hoped for gets us to a better more real place in faith!

Day 15 Measuring Progress

Measuring progress of any kind can be tricky. Sometimes it's even unmeasurable regardless of time put into it. I am a very goal oriented person, and like anyone, I like to see the fruits of my labor. So try this, don't let the visible outcome be what you strive for most....Rather, let the focus be on your "balance factor". How do you feel with your habit changes? Better, worse, indifferent. If you feel "less than" when changing a lifestyle factor/habit, then you need to assess the why. Do you feel ick because of external factors, or because you don't see the point, or because you expected more unicorns from your efforts??? Sometimes we put too much emphasis on magical occurrences because we have arrived at a change of habits/heart/mind/actions that was particularly challenging for us to reach. Your change, provided it's for the betterment of you for solid reasons, should be reward enough. Your internal dialogue should be yang'ng all over the place; but if not, then something might be amiss. You might be changing for external factors (to please someone, etc.) and not for the right reasons. It could just be that you feel you are having to meet/reach some standard you (or some idea of you from an external force) has put on you. Either way, you need to find a corner and sort through it. Measure your progress by how balanced you feel in the unseen of it all!

Day 13 & 14 Actions Through Change

Making lifestyle changes of any kind regardless of physical or mental changes are not always visible (not always externally noticeable). The difference made within ourselves isn't always measurable outwardly for long periods of time. If you're in the place of needing others' acceptance or approval, then this can sidetrack your sticking with any such change. Know that real change is in both perspective and action. Real change based on outside reinforcement isn't going to be long lasting change(s), and your default lifestyle will be what will remain your situation. For better habits (physical and thought), shift your motivations from needing ego boosts from others to that of simply doing what you've determined is healthy for you without 'atta boys'. Once you let go of that ego in the wind mindset, your lifestyle changes will be much more attainable without burden.

Day 12 Roll With It

The rip roaring tidal waves of life can drown us if we don't learn to roll with them. Fighting against the challenges of life is a natural instinct, but not one that serves us in any real way. Just go with the flow regardless of how violent that flow might be and we come out of it much better. And, by going with the flow, I mean be flexible enough to tackle what is before us without letting it destroy our progress and derail our boundaries/self in the process. 

Day 11 Oversharing

Because of the household I grew up in, where we weren't allowed to share our truth (about us or anything going on with us in our household), I almost overshare because I can. In adulthood, it is very important to me to be who I am with everyone and not have the inside the house self vs what the outside world gets to see self, like how I grew up (typical of emotionally or physically abusive homes). In the past year, I've come to realize that me being opened about who I am, and my experiences, isn't oversharing. Why? Because there is a lot I don't say or share. Not because I'm hiding anything, but because my whole self is not something everyone gets to be a part of, or is entitled to. What I mean by this is not everyone is invited to your whole life/soul. You get to decide what parts of you to share and how many details for which you share with the world (people around you). You have your close circle for whom you know you can trust your whole self with, and for everyone outside that circle, their behavior dictates how and what you disclose. Not everyone is trustworthy or has your interest at heart, and no one is entitled to all your footnotes. It is an honor when we are invited in to someone's circle. That honor should be protected! Adherence to boundaries, functional appropriateness, and trust are the hallmarks for such an honor. 

Day 10 Battle Scars

We all have external "scars" that reflect those deeper internal ones. I've been through the mindset in the past of trying to hide such scars (issues) as if there is some shame to having them. Sure they make me flawed, but I am flawed. Sure they make me less "airbrushed" acceptable, but everyone is. My scars tell the story of my life, and are my well-earned badges for overcoming struggles, or just of life lived. Surgery scars, accident scars, disease affliction, stretch marks, etc., all tell our stories.

For example, I have vitiligo, which is an autoimmune that has a visible element to it, in that it bleaches out my skin permanently in random patterns all over my body. When I was a child, I was always olive skinned tan year round. This wasn't from "tanning", but from old school playing outside constantly. My daughter takes after me in her outdoor preferences and tanned, freckled face appearance. For years after getting vitiligo, I purposely kept from getting tan, and therefore not outside as much as I would like, because the paler I stay, the less the vitiligo is noticeable. Silly! I love being outside, and I love the freckles I get when I'm outdoors and tan from activity. It reminds me of the good of my childhood. To stay away from something I love just to make a disease I have less obvious is no longer something I'm willing to do. Life is too short to hide anything about us, especially when we can find joy in the hard of it all. My vitiligo "scars" are part of where I've been. Tan or not, I have been through and overcome. I'm not hiding what my body has been through in my many battles and experiences. My "scars" are my badges earned. 

Day 9 Focus

Focusing on the "dislikes" of anything (diet, situation, person, etc.) prohibits new found "loves" (interests, passions, etc.)! My passions have all been born from less than ideal scenarios and pain. Such an example would be my passion for physical and mental fitness stems from sickness and dysfunction. If not for my experiences with my mother (dysfunction and her cancer), then I would not have been through the pain, but nor would I have the knowledge, love, and abilities I do now to share and help myself, those I love, and anyone interested in what I offer through my writings, etc. Dislikes can become better opportunities if you steer clear of focusing on the simple "bad" of it. Maybe just a different take on lemons to lemonade, but it works for me!

Day 8 Letting Go

It does not ultimately matter what got me here (health crisis, etc.) ... I have to let go the cause beyond dealing with my participation (ownership, correction, etc.). I'm here and to dwell on the whys (beyond assessing and learning from them) will only keep me stuck and chained in a toxic hell. To heal, grow, and move forward, you have to let go of the wouldas, couldas, shouldas....there is no going back! Accept what was and go forward leaving the baggage behind only taking the lessons learned with you!

Days 6 & 7 Identity

The parts of my personality that has changed over the years have not been changes to my identity. Your identity never changes. Who you are is who you are. In that, people don't ever change. What does change is the shedding of the adaptive behaviors, coping skills, codependent attributes necessary to survive dysfunctional, abusive relationships/situations for which I/we become immersed. Every coin has two sides and to that end so too do any personality/identity traits. For example some folks have an addictive personality, but that in and of itself is not a bad trait to have. When you're in a functional core relationship, addictive traits are the side of the coin of being on top of things (such as nutrition, workouts, house, etc.). It is when that same trait is exposed to dysfunction/abuse (over time), that it flips to less desirable means (such as overeating, drinking, drugs, lack of self-care to the extreme, etc.). Each and every core identity trait has a yin (passive, negative) and a yang (active, positive). If you're yin'ing more than you're yang'ing, then pause to look at your environmental cause(s) for which you are reacting. Changes will need to be made for you to yang! 

Day 5 Bent, But Not Broken

Over the course of my 43 years on this earth, I have been brought to my knees many times, beaten down to the point a handful of times for which I thought I was permanently broken. I wasn't broken because my spirit was never broken. You can get knocked down, nearly knocked out, rock bottomed out, but as long as you don't allow you or someone else to break your spirit...you're not broken beyond repair. Repair comes in small steps away from the wreckage and forward into something better than before!

Having recently been in one of those handful of occurrences when I thought I might actually completely break this time, that place of utter broken despair, the wounds are still fresh. The fight for survival is still in the baby steps forward, but I'm back up. Not full strength, but the spark to get there is lit! From feeling that there is nothing hopeful anymore, all hope gone, my fight lost, to now remembering what I am fighting for and knowing that while I can be knocked to my knees, I will never be fully broken!!! 

Day 4 Gratitude

A practice in gratitude and acceptance: Finally feeling well enough to start back working out and running. On my first run in almost a year, my first reaction was of happiness to be outside among nature and the early morning atmosphere. Only to fall prey briefly to the overwhelming disappointment of having lost so much ability, so much hard work, so much ground. The starting back mantra of lamenting not being where I once was and knowing the work involved with getting back there. Ugh! This, for me, was fleeting and replaced with extreme gratitude for finally being back in a place my body would allow for such an activity! Grateful for the chance to work toward getting back to good health and a strong body. Sure, I could stay defeated, but to what purpose would that serve? I am capable of the fortitude to once again achieve my fitness goals and very humbled and joyful to once again have the opportunity to regain my health.

Gratitude is being thankful for what you do have. It is not head in the clouds (or the sand) and not looking at the whole of the situation. It is knowing the reality and being grateful for the good in the reality. The bad is enough without dwelling on it and drowning out the joy to be had for the good, the blessings, the rainbows. Without acknowledging the joy and being thankful for it, then misery is where you will reside!

Day 3 Challenges

Challenges grow us, but only if we allow them. Fighting a crisis (i.e., challenge) is futile, yet that is what most do either through avoidance, victim whining, hostility, or denial. Know before facing down any challenge that it's okay to fail. To not fail is to not grow, learn, overcome. Failure is only a horrible event if you don't learn from it. Learn why it didn't work and then figure out a better way. There is always a better way...and sometimes that way is a different path altogether. Go beyond just problem identification to problem solving.

Fair is a pitfall to avoid when looking at any challenge. There is no such thing as fair. Life itself isn't fair for anyone. Fair is a self-centered perspective and a pointless argument. Fair to whom? Only from one's own vantage point is "fair" ever assessed and in that it's only fair to them. Let go of the fair factor and just address the situation at hand.

Avoiding victim "poor me" states is necessary to overcoming anything! We have to own our participation in a situation; understand what is in our control and what is not; problem solve for what is in our control beginning with our attitude, perspective, and boundaries. Being in an emotional reactive state of everything being done to us lends itself to victim identity. Emotional or reactive behavior is just identifying that there is a problem, inconvenience, discomfort. To stay in the place of tantrum and protest never solves anything, grows us, or negates the negativity surrounding us. Rather, identification should move toward understanding and motivation to solve/resolve. Regardless of any outside forces at play, we always have a choice of how we act/think. We always have control over ourselves and our boundaries.

Contending with and overcoming a challenging situation (crisis/problem) is the difference between "it's hard, but I can do it" versus "I can't and I won't" (unable versus uncomfortable). The realization and understanding that solutions aren't always to our advantage, but can always be an opportunity of growth/experience is how you can successfully navigate through any challenge while firmly staying clear of victim, no fair wallowing. Learn the whys and you can problem solve anything! Challenge accepted!!!

Day 2 Self Acceptance

Accepting oneself means you have to know yourself. Admit who you are completely unmasked. No excuses, fully owning who you are (your identity...what makes you tic toc for you...not others, not environment, not survival, not preferences, but your drive, your essence), why you do, react, participate, allow behaviors and circumstances, own your mistakes, own your flaws, fully OWN YOUR BEING!

Here's what I see fundamentally driving people's insecurities and impulse to mask who they are to the world (and to themselves), they don't dig to find their identity beyond what dysfunctional, toxic external forces have environmentally molded their behaviors into thinking that is their identity. The younger the "masking" starts the more difficult to move towards acceptance. We all want to be heard, understood, regarded, but in the absence of all of this (as is what happens in toxic relationships/environments), if we know who we are, if we accept who we are, then we can survive, thrive, and grow beyond where we are.

So what the hell am I babbling on about? Simple, girls are brought up on the sliding scale of the majority to "fit in" by wearing certain clothes, having certain figures, "acting" (and masking is all about fake, acting, pretending) a certain way, engaging boys and girls with this bs bravado that all the sitcoms and movies portray as glamorous (etc,. gag, etc.) by illustrating the funny in the dysfunctional and posh materialistic reward to the most masked. So, we pierce, paint, dress, put our "public costume" on, deprive our sense of self, beat up on ourselves for lacking "the standard", and reject ourselves. Tada a perfectly repulsive, empty, shell of misery. This doesn't just apply to females, but males alike. Let's instead teach what makes a person beautiful. The mind and spirit of each unique one of us is beautiful, but only if we stop tainting it with the fake. Teach the young to grow their minds, their souls, their bodies with proper nutrition and fitness and hygiene, to self-accept and be who they are. It's in one's strength, character, uniqueness that makes them appealing, beautiful, stable. It is not the latest whatevers, make up slathered to unrecognizable, hair done beyond cosplay necessary. If you're hollow, then no amount of masks will ever get you or anyone else to accept you beyond the fake that you become.

Am I suggesting we be plain as dirt? No! I'm saying do whatever makes you you for realz. Makeup, bedazzle, color and dye away for an event, work, or because you want to play dress up, but stop short of having to do it to be acceptable to you or anyone outside of you. Express yourself without rejecting yourself! Stop trying to fake yourself to be anything other than you. Be you...Accept you...and until you can accept the bare naked reality of who you are, then maybe it's time to rehab the masks!

Masks aren't just the costumed appearance we shell ourselves in to be accepted (if you haven't gotten that I'm saying this isn't healthy or necessary, then reread above), but also all the other materialistic possessions we go into debt to verbally showcase about to feel like we fit in without anyone actually getting to know you. It's a slide of hand trick between equally masked people. For what? If you are accepted into such a group, they are accepting your costume, not you because they don't know you (and maybe you don't know you either).

Yes, I'm on a tangent. Many reasons why...here are a few: Seeing little adolescent girls flitting about like Hollywood glam street walkers because that's what they think is "girlie" pretty. Beautiful spirits whom I've met over the years who want to change their weight because they don't feel acceptable. Trying to convince them of the person I see when I talk with them is who they are and they are beautiful as they are. Wanting to change an appearance for the right reasons (health, just because you like it, makes your heart sing, etc.) is fine (great), but doing it for the wrong reasons of self-loathing is never okay. Little girls rejecting their identities because they think it is not the world view of feminine, so they deny who they are and fake who they aren't. Children growing up unhealthy with little to no understanding of how to take care of their health or hygiene and think (by the examples around them) that just a little makeup, designer clothes, hairstyles is going to fix their pain or make them accepted.

Let kids be kids, figure out who they are so they can accept who they are. Teach them good health and hygiene through example of self-care instead of self-loathing. Let them accept themselves with no masks before letting them play permanent dress up. Sit down with yourself and have an honest sob fest about who you are and what you've spent your life running from so you can accept yourself and feel good about who you are unmasked. The only ugly I've ever encountered in my life wasn't someone over weight or in less than the materialistic whatever, but the ugly is the hollow, mean, manipulative abusers. Beauty is from within and no amount of hardships or less thans can take away your beauty! Express who you are, however you want....Just express the real you! You don't have to do anything but be you to be loved by the right people for you!!!

Day 1 Acceptance

Acceptance can be a bear! Sometimes being "happy" where you are while working to where you want to go can be a thorny existence. Especially when other people's (external forces) pull against you getting to a mental headspace of accepting your current reality and/or actively sabotage your efforts to get to a destination beyond your present reality. The thing is that there is joy and happiness to be had in each moment and circumstance regardless of external forces, even in the worst present realities.

If all we are looking at is the struggle, then we miss out on the joy to be had along the way of any journey. Joy, happiness, peace, balance do not occur often if we only "feel" it in times of easy, reward, everything how we want it states ('cause those are rare states indeed). It is very much an internal outlook accessible anytime, anywhere, regardless of situation. Gratitude begets peace. Perspective begets balance. Responsibility - Ownership - Growth begets joy. Acceptance of reality sans the "victim" state begets the ability to be grateful, acquire perspective outside yourself, and grow beyond yourself and any present reality.

My mantra at the moment is: --Do not fall in the paradox of what you do not possess possessing you-- I don't possess anything beyond myself. I am only responsible for myself (thoughts, actions, habits, growth, understanding, knowledge, etc.). Anything material or another person is not in my ability to change. Allowing someone else's script, motives, dysfunctional behavior, manipulations, has no bearing on me (or within me) if I disallow it. My boundaries are important and my identity should be protected. I am worth as much effort as I put toward anyone/anything else, and I am happy with where I am while still striving to get to a better destination (health, growth, understanding, balance). I can want change (internal/external) and still find peace, beauty, balance, gratitude, perspective, and joy within my current existence! 

90 Days & Beyond

To say that I have been under intense personal construction and refinement these past months is an understatement. The choice to "not write" on any of my blogs for the majority of that time was necessary for me to get to where I needed to land on my physical, mental, emotional, spiritual feet. The depth of my understanding gained has been worth the obstacles. The full impact of which I am still trying to absorb fully. While I would like to jump right into where I left off, I am instead going to veer differently than previously planned for a time before getting there. Across all of my blogs (fitness, living, scripture), I am going to share my 90 days journey and ask that you follow me on your own. 90 days to a healthier life physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Start where you are and see where you land!

90 Days To Better "Living" Plan I am beginning my 90 days today, not because I am ready, but because I know I will never have the ability or time without just doing it. But, you can begin yours tomorrow, next week, or when you can set your mind to begin, fully ready or not. Below is a list of books that have helped me on my journey to healing, understanding, and self-development. Choose one or more (or different) to tackle on your 90 day journey. I will be posting thoughts and feelings of my fitness and scripture journeys as they impact my daily functional living (self repair, self care, balance in relationships and family, etc.). This will be only a slightly different approach for the 90 days regarding how I deliver my lessons and journey in hopes that it encourages and helps you on your path. Make time for your health (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) and surprise yourself with your abilities!!!

Check out my other 90 day challenges at http://veryeffective.blogspot.com/ and http://veryeffectivescripture.blogspot.com/

Follow my Facebook Page for further encouragement at https://www.facebook.com/Very-Effective-Fitness-501193266624220/

Recommended Reading List For Self Discovery & Growth

• Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend
• Boundaries With Kids by Cloud & Townsend
• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
• Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie
• The New Codependency by Melody Beattie
• The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, PhD
• The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
• The Fifth Agreement by Don Miguel & Don Jose Ruiz
• You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L Hay
• Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton
• Stop Walking On Eggshells by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger
• Understanding The Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson
• Why Is It Always About You? by Sandy Hotchkiss

Take the Good 'n' Leave the Bad

As long as someone has more good attributes and less bad behaviors and isn't toxic to you, you can still have a good relationship with them even if they are not fully functional upright people. Key, you have to identify the bad behaviors and always functionally interact around those behaviors so you aren't negatively impacted by such behaviors. Always making sure the scale of bad behavior isn't adversely making you dysfunctional with them or others. 

Reminder On Control and Impeccability

Universal Laws

Universal Laws (i.e., laws of nature) are proven and always occur. Take Newton's Third Law of Motion, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Gravity, etc., are occurrences in nature that happen time and again. People's behavior is little different. If a person acts towards another with aggression, the other person will react in an equal opposite way. The level of reaction is determined by the person, but a reaction will occur whether it be aggressive, passive aggressive, passive, or what have you. Repeated actions can cause a change in reaction, but still a reaction will happen. Application of the Golden Rule in accompaniment with Universal Laws insures functionality in behavior.

The Golden Rule is in words and actions. It is also more than the surface of "treating others as you would like to be treated" .... You have to take it all the way through the meaning of temporary and how you would truly accept being talked to and treated in action. This includes how we treat ourselves as well as how we treat others!

How The Pyramid of Functional Behavior Flows

So in the Rules for Functional Living post the individual categories were outlined. Note that they should flow top to bottom and never in reverse. Example being that a House Rule should never break (impede) Universal Law.

Rules For Functional Living

In thinking through how to teach children the difference between their personal preference of greatly disliking broccoli and the house rule of having to eat it for dinner not being a violation of their identity versus a friend manipulating them into going against themselves and their boundaries is. I present you with the following.

1.    Universal Laws are true laws in nature and defined by God. To keep these laws, one must simply and always apply the Golden Rule of treating others as they would wish to be treated. Be true to your word and your actions as such.

2.    Identity is your true self. Protection of both your identity and those around you is paramount in keeping with the adherence of Universal Law.

3.    Boundaries are the border of self-protection; the emotional space that you allow or disallow others to participate. Boundaries never violate the Universal Laws, nor do they violate your Identity or the Identity of others.

4.   House Rules are the foundation of the governing body where you reside. House Rules should never impede upon your Boundaries or your Identity and as such will never break Universal Laws.

5.    Preferences are simply your personal likes and dislikes. Preferences have to stay within the appropriate infrastructure created by Universal Laws, yours/others Identity, yours/others Boundaries, and House Rules.

6.   Peer Pressure is never okay in manipulating to gain one’s own desires or against oneself or another. Asking for a desire in compliance with Universal Laws, yours/others Identity, yours/others Boundaries, House Rules, and Preferences is good communication as long as once rejected or accepted is honored and not coerced. Always being true to the Golden Rule is key in steering away from the bad of Peer Pressure. Always being true to your Identity and Boundaries is key in keeping from performing under unspoken Peer Pressure.

Friend or Foe?

All the people you know are not your friends. How do you know who your true friends are? Well, it's as simple as one, two, three, four. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you have to think through what you are going to say to a person before speaking to them? We're not talking about a "special" conversation where you are debating tact. We are talking about every conversation has to be weighed and measured and filtered before you can talk with them. Weighing how they are going to receive what you say, and then how they are going to overreact to whatever it is. Basically, altering you being able to be you fully and functionally and instead having to treat them like a delicate flower who could wilt without special care of their ego. Just say no to these hot house lilies...unless of course you enjoy being a masochistic codependent.
2. Is this person only available to you when they have needs that need to be met? If you find yourself only getting called when your services are demanded, then this is not a friendship. It is a contractor relationship. If you're not getting paid & 1099'd for your services, then opt out of this one sided pro bono. Charitable assistance is great, but being a permanent dial-o-codependent is not the same thing.
3. Are you constantly having to explain yourself to a self-appointed "judge"? Meddlers are everywhere, but they don't have to be in your friend circle. You're not throwing stones at their glass house nor should you accept the stones of unasked for advice and judgement from another. Just hand them your shoes and send them on their walk away from you. 
4. Are the majority of your conversations about other people's life/drama? The "gossip" isn't a friend. They are simply going from peep to peep gathering more "news" to report. If they are gossiping to you, they are most definitely gossiping about you, and it's not the good kind of PR they are spreading! Participating in this doesn't make you a good friend either, so rehab yourself away from this tittle-tattle.

Friendship is a two way street. A true friend values your uniqueness, accepts your choices, honors your boundaries, protects your identity by not violating it, is respectful of your time, and offers as much as they take from you. Choose friends carefully and then cherish them functionally. 

People We Know

There are the people we are either born to or adopted by, and they are our family. Family isn’t always good to keep close on the whole or part depending on who they are to us. If they are abusive or dysfunctional or personality disordered, then the degree to which we keep them close or at a distance depends on how harmful their behaviors are to us. Then there are the school mates, neighbors, organizations, and coworker people for which the level of personal interaction depends and changes based on our level of growth and maturity, and on their level of functionality in not being abusers and/or victims in relation to us. School mates, neighbors, organizations, coworkers, and family can end up in the category of acquaintances. Acquaintances are people we know, but have limited interaction with and restricted access to our personal self. Friends are people from anywhere (family, etc.) that have full access to our personal self because we allow them in based on trust and mutual authentic interaction.

More times than not we confuse our acquaintances with our friends, but that is a mistake we at some point should outgrow for our own functional protection. Most of us end up with a spouse and resulting inherited family and offspring (see family). As a result of knowing people from all categories, we end up with foes. Whether friend or foe or the like, we have many “people” who inappropriately meddle in our lives, and if we are not careful, we in turn meddle in theirs.

Knowing who your real friends are versus acquaintances is vital for our self protection and growth. Take stock and discern who you should keep close, who you should keep far, and who you should walk away from going forward. It's not what anyone does for you, but what they do against you that is key. Toxic is toxic no matter the "trade off"!

Dissecting The Princess' Antagonist

She's referred to as the wicked witch, evil stepmother, queen, etc., but who is this horrible person really in all these princess movies? She is the bitter soul who wants the spirit of the 'princess' she abuses. If you read Dissecting The "Princess" Dream post, then take all of the misnomers and apply it to the antagonists of these movies (and our culture in general). The reality is the evil person here is the one who wants to be a slug and praised and worshiped without having to do anything but exist in ease and glory. She is insecure because she is a 'poor me' 'wanna be' without the desire to do. She wants what others have and the ego of feeling she deserves all the good without having to endure any of the bad. Mirror, mirror on the wall tell me how wonderful I am so I can feed my massive ego and soothe my massive insecurities because I know I'm less than a whole person and would rather stroke my pitiful 'can't do' spirit than actually do anything to fix myself....give me permission to just be pitiful and take what I need to feel better from someone else because I deserve it more.....Yep, that about sums it up! These 'won't do' individuals are not mean as their actions would relay. They are instead selfish, insecure, pissants who want without effort. This has no gender and infects a multitude of individuals. 

Dissecting The "Princess" Dream

Little girls and their princess movies.....the misnomer that pretty princesses get rescued by their prince charming is not the message...oye! First, the princesses in the movies that you root for (and the majority of the movies at that) are the ones that rescue themselves. They work and don't have a poor me attitude...they just do what's before them (usually in song). Sure, the critters help with chores and dress making, and there is a prince that shows up at the end, but the attitude of these princesses isn't the one of a slacking, lazy, worthless dame who sits around sighing while she awaits her rescue so she can then just sit on a pedestal and be worshiped. For crying out loud, she works before and after said prince. For that matter, the prince wouldn't even be interested in the princess if not for her abilities, talents, can do, feisty attitude. Where in the world did it become a dream that 'happily ever after' is not having to do anything and having it done for you because ... what you're worth being a slug? Why would any little girl (however young or old) want to be poured over while she is consistently less than a whole person? Complete yourself and be happy for it....only then will your prince (worth having) come!

Stuck In A Rut?

Stuck in a rut and can't get out? If you are practicing the definition of insanity over and over again (doing the same action repeatedly expecting a different result), then step back and look at what action might actually produce a different result.......

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18, 2015

Examine, Live, & Enjoy

Going through a really rough struggle?  Life can be really hard at times....to the point we just want to chuck it in the f### it bucket and walk away.  Consider this instead of giving up all hope:  You, like a garden, needs to be tilled and overturned.  We are stubborn creatures of habit and circumstances both beyond and very much in our control.  It's easy to get swept up in the everyday and forget to tend to ourselves (mind, body, and soul).  If you have been on auto pilot for awhile or even for always, you become numb to your feelings and numb to your direction in life...the stuff that really matters beyond all the daily tasks of merely "living".  Let's just be clear here, a life worth living isn't one of numbly doing the daily have tos, but rather very much one of conscience examination.  Socrates said it best, "the unexamined life is not worth living."  Examination creates it's own sort of disturbances and pain, but through this process we can become our true selves and experience life fully and with full joy.  So, in considering you as a garden, this process of overturning the hard, bad soil allows for the addition of all the rich nutrient soil that allows for lush, beautiful and productive plants and flowers.  Your garden will be overflowing with life and color because you first took the time to do the hard tilling of examination and feeling, which in the end is far better than a forgotten garden full of weeds and poor soil!

Control? What Control?

No control but over you is the answer to what you have control over. You cannot control anything except your thoughts and actions....EVER. It's a heartbreaking illusion to ever feel in control of another person or circumstance outside of yourself....EVER. Work on you...your thoughts, feelings, understandings, perspective, actions and let the rest go!

What Teaches Children Trust v Distrust?

I saw a post on Facebook from someone blaming their mistrust in relationships on their parents' divorce when they were children. Interesting thought that gets batted about and used to excuse ones' issues. Here's the thing about blaming others for your lack of growth....it's not on them. Sure, parents screw up and are to blame for their actions (and their actions only). What we then do with our experiences from childhood (or from anything tragic or wonderful) is on us. We can either decide to grow beyond the bad and/or not let too much of the good corrupt us....or, we can go down bad paths and then later just excuse poor choices to that experience. One guess as to which to choose.....and which mostly gets chosen.

Divorce does not teach children not to trust. Parents married or divorced teach that if they act dysfunctionally and untrustworthy. Exiting a relationship that has been a trail of broken promises, lies, and broken if/then agreements; rather, teaches children that words matter, actions matter, and promises not kept have consequences (but only if the healthy parent(s) teach that lesson). Back to the initial point....whatever our parents taught us, the onus of our adult decisions is on whether we choose to blanket our lives in the excuses of the past or grow/move beyond them!

Is Time For You Selfish?

Taking time to mediate, work out, stretch, rest, etc., feels selfish at times, but it's one of those investments of time that is so key to a balanced healthy life. Now, that's balanced use of such "me" time of course....For example two hours at the gym several times a week is not only a fitness waste of time with diminished returns, but kinda of a selfish use of time to boot (who am I to say so....a certified metabolic personal trainer, that's who... http://veryeffective.blogspot.com/ & veryeffectivefitness.com for a better way to fitness)...BUT, staying with the workout example: Working out for fitness and health is an investment in yourself and your family. How? It prevents future health care costs (and pharmaceutical costs), loss of physical and/or mental capacity from illnesses, etc. Keeping ourselves mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy is never a poor investment of time...or a selfish one!

Invest & Waste Your Time Wisely

What's the numero uno excuse for why folks "can't" (fill in the blank)? Answer: 'no time'. Yep, it's the time factor (fall guy)...king of all excuses. We choose to absently waste time in abundance without consideration of our responsibilities, health, etc., and then it's gone, and we don't know how to "fit" in all the have to's, want to's, etc. Here's the thing: Just like with eating healthy MINDFULLY, using our time MINDFULLY is key. This means paying attention and tracking (for a time) where our time legitimately goes. Consider this: When shifting to a healthy eating plan, you initially have to track your food to account for all the nibbles, tastes, bites you are consuming. Regard your intake of social media, electronic games, texting, etc., as those mental nibbles, tastes, bites that mindlessly waste your time (Candy Crush much?). It's totally fine to build all that into your day, just be honest about where you are spending your time. Poorly wasting your time is as bad to your mental, physical, spiritual, and relationship daily life as is poorly eating throughout your day is to your fitness goals. Make better choices by making a legit plan and tracking it until it's habit. Invest your time wisely by allowing your outlets of time wasters as your legit "down time", and fill in all the new free time with investments to your well being!

Food For Thought About TIME

Something to ponder......Time is the only commodity that cannot be regained once lost! It can be invested in efficiencies toward future time. It can also be wasted, stolen, given away, but never returned. So thinking about time as a commodity, might make your use of your time more thoughtful.

Other commodities: Freedom and Money are important and usually disregarded as to how either impacts your time commodity. Both freedom and money can be replaced, whereas time never can....making it the most important consideration when examining our choices, decisions, and allowances of others. Folks generally put their emphasis on money restricting their decision making options/choices....However, time isn't hindered by lack or abundance of money....BUT money is hindered by poor use of time. Freedom cannot be truly taken away as long as you are free to "think"...BUT freedoms are also greatly impacted when poor decisions of time are made.

Point? Guard your time and include it in your boundary considerations! It's a precious commodity to not waste more than you invest it!!!!

Own Your Mistakes To Teach Them

Teaching our children that we are human is a great way to teach them how to cope when they are on their own and realize that quick 'n' easy isn't life and that very real fact doesn't make them failures at life. Making a parenting mistake (or any mistake) is brutal in front of our little ones, but the good of owning your mistakes, letting them see what ownership looks like and that we are human, and then how to fix those mistakes is an invaluable lesson for them to learn. It teaches them the "how" of life. It teaches them that they don't have to crumble and dissolve if something doesn't work out. It teaches them trust in you as well as confirmation of what they sense, see, and understand.

False Representation

If your children are under the impression that life just magically works out well and easily, then whoa to them when they are out on their own. This is exactly what we are setting them up for if we are not honest with them in our actions and words. Example: You hide sad, hurt, anger problems/situations from them and they only see you struggle with an unknown ('cause trust me they always know what's going on, just not always clued in on the details; so, without our input, they make up their own horrible stories in their heads) and then just see that everything is fine. They are filling in the blanks on their own, but what the result of this process is...is that they see us struggle, or pick up on the emotion of the struggle, but then see that poof it's just all worked out. We, then, are not teaching them the cause and effects, the problem solving that happens in order to get them to learn the process of solution/resolution. The flip side is, if you are really old school parenting and completely hiding any struggle, then that's even worse cause then they are set up to think that life was just always easy for you. When they are out on their own they then can't figure out what is wrong with them that their life isn't as easy for them as it was for you. Or, that why are they incapable of having easy solutions to problems they incur because that's how it was for their parents. No matter what the depth of scenario, we are creating a false sense of how life works if we are not using our life with them while they are young teaching them how life really works. We are not protecting them by "shielding" them, we are instead setting them up for failure and unnecessary hardships.

Kids & Honesty

Rearing functional, healthy children (physically and mentally) is difficult. Knowing just how to not "screw" them up can be especially challenging if you didn't have a functional childhood and/or example of how to go about doing it. Figuring how all this works for ourselves is tough enough without the added stress of how to teach our tender loves! The best advice I can give you on this, whatever your vantage point, is be honest with your children....Always! At whatever age they are always be appropriately honest. By that, I mean be honest but based on age speak to their level of understanding in age appropriate ways. Being age appropriate is key in not hindering their development. They don't need to know all the ins and outs for them to be okay...remember, you modeling good, functional, communicative behavior for them is not for you to feel better, but for them to learn and develop. Our children are not our therapists, friends, or side takers, but our responsibility to teach.

Lying to children is not only harmful to your relationship with them later, but it harms their functional development in the process. First, they are smart. Whether they tell you or not, they know when they are being "maneuvered". Second, in only showing them the reality we want them to know they falsely learn how life works. Our job is to teach them how to live, we cannot do that if we are giving them false understandings of how we live. 

If It Walks Like A Duck...

You can tell a lot about a person just in how they speak of others. If you do not like how they talk or interact with others, but never see how they could ever treat you the same, then caution. People really are who they are..... AND how they treat others is how they are. Eventually, you too will be treated the same, if not already. I have yet to encounter a soul that gossips or snipes about another that they didn't do it with me as well. So, if you want to know what you're in for regarding a person, just look to how they treat and talk about others, then you'll know who, what, how they are going to treat you.

I'll Be Back......

I've been gone, but will be back! I've been in a "development phase", so to speak, which has been both restorative and transformative!!! Just letting you know that I will be back very soon posting on this site ;-)