Destiny Mindset

So from time to time I come across those who are of the mindset of "everything is predestined so no need to (fill in the blank....worry or work or take accountability)". I won't make this a history or Bible lesson, so that aside....know that is all an excuse to not be accountable in anyway for actions past, present, or future. Regardless of your belief system, you are 100% accountable for where you've been, where you are, and where you are going. To act otherwise, you might as well sit and drink all day because what difference does any of it make???

Inside & Out

"Health is a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity."  ~Preamble to the Constitution of the World Health Organization, 1946

Regardless of how you feel about the World Health Organization or the current state of everyone trying to dictate what you should and should not eat and/or do for your health....this quote has a very real and impactful truth, which is--you are only as healthy as you are both physically and mentally healthy! This journey you are on is about more than just your nutrition and workouts....it's about your mental well-being too! Look inward and take care of all of you!

Some great, helpful reads:

*Boundaries: When To Say Yes How To Say No To Take Control Of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
*The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide To Personal Freedom by Miguel Ruiz
*The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide To Changing The Patterns Of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner
*Codependent No More: How To Stop Controlling Others And Start Caring For Yourself by Melody Beattie
*The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

You Will Succeed

Excerpts from Oh, The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away!

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too.

Except when you don't. Because, sometimes, you won't. I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you. You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump. And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

NO! That's not for you! Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.

On and on you will hike. And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way!

Still Searching For Balance?

Balance is fleeting! We no sooner think we've found it and poof it's gone. Sometimes the stressors in a new situation can cause this poof, and sometimes we just get lax in our daily practices that achieve balance does it. Not overfunctioning or underfunctioning in our daily lives is a tricky little harmonization. The best course of action when it all seems "undone" is to sit quietly and make a list of everything on your plate...the big and little stuff. Break your list down into two lists of daily and long term, and then prioritize. Just having it all on paper and out of your head helps tremendously. Having set goals of everything in a reasonable timeframe frees up your mental traffic jam.

Balance
Overwhelmed?
To-Do's, Have To's & The Remainder

Driven or Overfunctioning?

Are you a "driven" person or an "overfunctioning" person? To be driven is great and admiral provided you have not slipped into the gear of overfunctioning. To overfunction in a job, at home, or in a relationship is to be imbalanced and taking on more than you should be doing at the expense of both yourself and the others involved. Obviously doing more than your share is detrimental to you for obvious reasons, but why is it detrimental to the recipients not having to do as much? It is detrimental to the underfunctioners because they will never grow or do and will forever be imbalanced in the dynamic. Not until they are forced to do their part will they. You will get burned out eventually and they will get put out once you stop doing everything. Stop while you are ahead and appropriately and in balance function in your daily life....work, home, relationships! 

Learn Something From It

For the most of my life, beginning in childhood, my motto has been that "there is no such thing as a bad situation, if you can learn something from it." Truth! No, I'm not some delicate flower who hasn't experienced the bad side of life. The few that know my whole story can attest to that. I have been in a whole host of yucky situations that most would deem emotionally unsurvivable....My choice was to not drown by any situation, but to take whatever good was there and learn from it. We are the sum of all of our parts including, and especially, the character that gets built in the bad times/situations. 

Boundaries

Boundaries are important for functional, healthy relationships. They are not walls so much as guidelines for appropriate behavior. They define what is and is not acceptable within particular relationships. Violations occur within relationships when either boundaries are not enforced or are disregarded. Boundaries are not limits of love, but of acceptable and suitable behavior. Different types of relationships naturally require different forms of boundaries than other types. Also, they are based on discernment of an individual making necessary certain boundaries.....as without such the relationship would be imbalanced to the negative. Establishing, enforcing, and adhering to healthy boundaries is the most loving thing you can do to sustain a relationship. Within healthy boundaries there is not negative or resentful seeds to grow into thought or action.

We're All The Same

Sure we have obvious differences one from another, but really we are all the same. Our struggles may be different on the surface, but the lessons are all the same. I write this blog from experience, so no never think that I am speaking in a clinical forum never having been through any of the very matters for which I write. My mom always told me that "I learn things the hard way", and well she was right....I indeed do. What I write, might seem simple or like I'm suggesting it was arrived at easily....Well there is not enough sarcasm to relay how untrue that is. As I write even this post, I am still searching answers that in my 42 years of living haven't yet been obtained. What I can tell you is that I freely share the answers I have thus far found to be true and work. However out of reach they may seem to you in your present situation of growth, they are very much obtainable. What I can also tell you is that in both dealing with my journey and listening to countless of those around me, we truly are all the same. We have the same lessons to learn, same insecurities, same struggles though presented differently. Letting go of ego and thinking "we are the only ones" is the first step to healing. I wish I could assure you once you let go of ego and can'ts how easy life becomes in a better way than to simply say "trust me that this is true"....but well, trust me that this is true. Your happiness and growth are up to you, and are as obtainable today if you just let go of your grip on your outlook of "can't because". Growth is continual, but happiness is available at all times, if you just open your mind and release your false realities of why you can't be happy until!

Promises

Promises are important to trust and to keep. However, do you know what constitutes a "promise"? Without exception, most relationship promises are "if" "then" promises. There is a part each person in the relationship adheres in order for the promise to be valid and kept. It's easy to fall into the victim mentality of the other person not upholding their promise(s) without considering the if..then fail on your part which negated the promise. Paying attention to the parts we all play in a functional, boundaryful relationship are important to keep the balance, the love, and the promises. Don't expect to be a doormat or for the other person to either. Know that some if/thens are implied, but not specified verbally. Keep and maintain your promises through communication and holding up your end of the relationship.

Let's say two people enter into a boundary and promise of: "I will provide you with xyz, if you do abc." BUT the second person in the agreement failed to adhere to the abc's of the relationship....eventually, the first person extinguishes provision of the xyz end of the deal. It's not a condition of love that's happening, but a condition of boundaries. 

Don't Stagnate

As one walks through life and makes the subtle choices to stagnate and numbly go through life on auto pilot or to grow beyond themselves and thrive beyond  their self –imposed limitations of their current mind, each step of the walk dictates their future circumstances knowingly or unknowingly. The sad truth is, most do not even realize the power they harness for their future by choosing to remain in the comfort of their known abilities. Let’s say that a child is reared up and has only known passive aggressive behavior from their parents and has practiced this behavior through their entire childhood on into their early adulthood. Every relationship work, friend, or foe will either enhance this learned, continued behavior or it will trigger change. Such a person, for example, can choose to blame struggles at work or at home on other influences or circumstances, or they will at some point take accountability for their actions as a cause of outcomes. Self-examinations throughout life are paramount to stepping outside of stagnation. 

Being Heard

We all need to be heard, even if not completely understood. What is it to be "heard" and to hear others? Simple, listen to what is actually being said without your judgment or thoughts interfering with the other's voice. The alternative is an imbalanced relationship that will not lead to any place a relationship can be functional or lasting.

If you find yourself in a relationship where your voice is not important, is it really a relationship? Figure out why you are not being heard...or the flip side, why you are not valuing the other person in the relationship to listen and hear them. A real relationship is one where both persons involved are heard and have a voice...an exchange of thought and feelings. Otherwise, there is dysfunction and unhealthy boundaries leading to all kinds of bad, negative behavior. 

Outside YourSELF

In observation of others around me, I so often, am reminded how many are "stuck" in themselves. For no other reason than they never think beyond themselves. Listening to the bemoanings of other's lives and "problems" is a part of my day. In almost every case, if they were not so consumed with themselves, their problems wouldn't be problems at all. Solutions abound in thinking outside of just the self. Comfort and feeling good about ourselves is great, but not when that is all we think about or believe we deserve. Take a deep breath and consider that you are not all there is that is important in any given situation. Consider the other person(s) or situation and you'd be surprised how easy the solution appears.

An easy example to look at would be a mother who gets annoyed at the interruption of her task by a child seeking her attention. The child might completely disregard the mother's request to pay attention to her child's ushering momentarily. The child then hurt begins to get louder and more interruptive. The mother in turn loses her patience and it escalates from there. This then becomes a pattern that repeats time and again. Solution: The mother temporarily stops what she is doing to hear the child's request in the first place rather than putting the child off with a "just a minute, when I'm done" reply. The child is seeking her for a reason, and usually not just because of the "thing they are presenting" for her to do. A lot of times my kids will come to me when I'm in the middle of something to get me to listen to a story or play a game or whatever it is ... after I had already told them on the front end that I was going to do whatever task and would be tied up for just a bit. Sure, I would prefer to just get the task accomplished, but in stopping, and not just thinking about what I want or need, I can take a moment to listen to what they are actually needing. Sometimes they just want to be involved in what I am doing because it makes them feel special or like they are helping me. Sometimes it's because they have something bothering them that they are not completely comfortable just telling me and have brought a "cover" to get me to engage them so they can get comfortable talking to me about it. There are a whole host of reasons your children disregard your wishes, and even if it is just because they are being children and disregarding you, by taking a moment to find out and then teach them appropriate behavior, you are showing your children that their voice is important in all cases. The time this takes is brief and prevents the whole downturn of negative reinforcement. You can then get back to your task, with the added benefit that your child knows they are important. Even though you are going to finish your task before fulfilling their further needs, you allowed them to be heard. In turn they learn boundaries with the loving way they have been enforced. 

Habits Exchange

It's Spring and new life is everywhere in nature. Stand outside on a crisp early morning and breathe in all that nature's rebirth has to offer. Clear your head and take stock of where and who you are right then in that moment. What is holding you back mentally? It's all mental when you really think about it. Even the tangible things that we think are circumstantial can be overcome if we change how we are limiting ourselves mentally. In taking stock of where you are, perhaps there are some habits that are not serving you or your life well....Exchange those bad habits for good ones and start today changing your life and your circumstances for the better!

"Until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate." ~Carl Jung

Living In The Moment

To "live in the moment" means that you appreciate where you are...not taking into account all the rest of everything. This seems so simple in thought, but can be very difficult in practice. There are so many times you will find yourself in a moment, with your children for example, that is something so wonderful, but you don't fully experience it because you are worrying about bills, to dos, work, etc. To not fully experience a moment is to miss it....to look back later and wish you had enveloped yourself in it and enjoyed it completely. Know too that not all "special moments" present themselves as planned wonderfulness. You have to be open to each moment given you because, as it's been my experience, the most memorable moments happen in the every day life of doing the ordinary. Some of the best moments are the ones borne from the unexpected in the typical day.

Sometimes even the mundane chores, such as doing the dishes, are wonderful opportunities to clear your mind and listen to your thoughts or revel in the noises of happy children playing or the sounds of nature outside. Point is, when you're begrudging a chore instead of being grateful for the opportunity to do it, then you're missing more than what's going on around you. You are missing out on the fact that you have what you need and the time to accomplish a "to do". A positive attitude can't be faked or manufactured, but if you are in the moment with gratitude and in the present enjoying what is enjoyable about each moment, then you will be in a positive place.

Release Your Grip

"It's our resistance to life that causes turmoil, not life itself. Get in the habit of allowing, accepting, surrendering, flying, embracing, and flowing, and you will live a joyous and peaceful life. But if you resist, fight, discriminate,, judge, block and push...what can I tell ya? Life's gonna suck! So take some time to reflect on where you can loosen up your grip a little bit to allow more flow in your life and less resistance. Release the unnecessary tension; it's easier to breathe and smile when your jaw isn't clenched so tightly." ~Timber Hawkeye, Buddhist Boot Camp

What Is Discernment?

Discernment is the ability to decide between truth and error, right or wrong. To use discernment about a situation or a person is to observe and assess what is real from what is false, what is okay and what is not okay. Discernment is not "judgment" but judging the particulars to decide if it is real or false. Judgment of someone or something is the negative action tantamount to gossip or condemnation. Who are you to judge or criticize another? Usually in one's "judgment" of another, they are truly judging what is wrong within themselves. Listening to someone's judgmental "opinions" tells you a lot about that individual....and that my friends is discernment.

Don't judge someone just because they sin differently than you.

The Golden Rule

The Golden Rule is as necessary in thought as it is in action! One can pretend to apply the Golden Rule of treating others (or someone) as they wish to be treated, but are they also applying this in thought? If no, then I can guarantee that you are not also really applying it in action. To apply it in thought means that you are not "two-facing" someone and thinking ill or judgmentally about them, but then treating them as if you do not have such negative thoughts. Why does it matter, if they never know? Well because it will impact you negatively for starters! It is one thing to discern something about someone and use your judgment accordingly. By all means, be professional and courteous despite knowing something about someone's true nature. The difference that impacts us negatively is when we start applying judgment beyond discernment and carry that with us within ourselves. We really do become what we project, in thought and action. The more "judgmental" someone is, the less free they become. They have boxed themselves into a negative space that will begin to suffocate their growth and happiness. Your thoughts, whether they be positive or negative, become who you are...so if you are thinking ill of others, ill is what you will become. 

Seek & You Shall Find

So here's an interesting thought: Do you "seek" love or do you just "want" love? Huh? Well, look at it this way...Jesus is available to us at any time, but He isn't going to knock the door down as He has instructed us the "if" in the relationship is that we have to act by seeking, knocking. Whatever situation you find yourself in, do you lament it and just desire it, or do you consider it and then act on it...for it? Perhaps it's not something to seek or act on once considered, so the consideration of any situation is the necessary first step whether it be work, friends, family, intimate relationship. After careful consideration of situation, desires, wants, needs, motives, then action is required. Waiting around to be served is never going to serve you well. Appropriate, positive forward motion in action however will. Seeking someone or something out involves healthy boundaries, impeccability with ones word, and not being just about self in application of the Golden Rule to successfully achieve any kind of desired outcome. 

One Decision At A Time

"When health is absent, wisdom cannot reveal itself, art cannot manifest, strength cannot fight, wealth becomes useless, and intelligence cannot be applied."  ~Herophilos, Greek Physician

"It is not one decision that pushes you forward into the next, but a series of small decisions, one following the other, that connects the events of your life into a bigger picture.  Remember that a healthy body is built or destroyed one decision at a time.  It's up to you."  ~Tosca Reno

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all--in which case, you fail by default."  ~J.K. Rowling

"With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift.  Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing.  You get to choose."  ~Wayne W. Dyer