Is It Comfort Or Is It Love?

So life happens! We (hopefully) grow continuously and as a result sometimes beyond those with whom we are in relationship. If a relationship becomes dysfunctional and frayed because of being unequally yoked due to lack of dual growth and the other person(s) involved are unwilling or seemingly incapable of growing or "catching up", what do you do? Well, all that's a whole other topic for another day, but if you find yourself "stuck" in an unhealthy relationship (family, friends, marriage), ask yourself if you are fighting to stay there for the right reasons. Is it as simple as changing the boundaries and dynamics of the relationship and working through the roughness, or is the relationship truly over? Are you fighting to stay out of comfort and convenience or are you fighting to stay for real love and the possibility for function? Some truly misconstrue love for just what is familiar and comfortable. Familiarity and comfort are wonderful, but if that is all there truly is then struggle and dysfunction is what you are going to continue to have.

Wellness Benefit June 27th

Over $300 in services and prize drawings for just a $10 entry fee!!! More Services & Drawings than what is even listed on the flyer such as Jamberry Nails, Thirty-One Bags, Special Priced Gift Certificates for Massage & Studio Classes, and MORE! See you all there!!!!

Performance Plus Massage & VeryEffectiveFitness will have discounted offers for purchase on June 27th from 1-4pm only to those participating in the Wellness Benefit! 

Available will be a $45 hour massage gift certificate with Performance Plus Massage, normally a $60 cost. VeryEffectiveFitness will offer a $10 discount on all "Unlimited Class" Purchases. For $80 you will have unlimited classes at the Studio for July so you can get beach ready! Come out and take advantage of these great deals for your health!!! veryeffectivefitness.com &performanceplusmassage.com

Regrets

Living with regrets....Why? Regrets, like worrying, are futile. They do not serve you in any way. Understanding what went wrong in past situations is one thing, but harping on things you woulda, shoulda, coulda, done differently will not produce anything but future regrets. Think about this for a second....If you are worrying about the future, you are not living in the present or in any manner truly impacting your future toward the positive. If you are dwelling in regret of the past, then you will soon enough regret what that did to both your present and your future. Live in your present with the knowledge you have gained by past situations and continue to grow toward a better regret free future!

Why Do You Feel You Need To Explain Yourself?

If you find yourself always feeling the need to "explain yourself" and your feelings and your decisions, then you are not living functionally. Either it is because you are in a full on dysfunctional relationship(s), or it is because you are not healthy in yourself. If you are "whole" and strong in yourself, you do not rely on others to "feed" you. This means that you are not seeking others' approval, acceptance, understanding in order to feel validated. Toiling about explaining yourself is you not feeling confident and secure in your decisions, feelings, beliefs, etc., and when another is in opposition or disagreement with you, you feel the impulse to explain, change, excuse yourself to them. Trying to figure something out and asking questions or talking through something with someone is not what's being discussed here, but instead the constant need to please and be approved of by others. Know what you know, believe with conviction what you believe, be willing to grow and change as you find necessary through self examination and progression on your journey, but don't feel less than and change every which way based on other's "judgment" of you from their perspective. Honor yourself and others will honor you in return.....Dishonor yourself and others will continue to walk all over you and your lack of boundaries.

Empathy

The ability to share in someone else's experience, pain, and feelings is not the same as caring that they have the experience, pain, and feelings. This is the main difference between empathy (sharing actively) versus sympathy (caring passively). Listening with your ears from your perspective is not the same as listening with your heart and trying to understand what someone is going through. I have found that most people are so consumed with just themselves that finding true empathy in another is a rare commodity indeed. Empathy for another and others does not mean you have to take on their problems, but rather for a moment you think outside of your own self and provide the emotional support to someone in need....listening with your heart and not just your ears. Advice isn't always appropriate, but letting someone be heard and felt is a priceless gift we all have the opportunity to give!

An Invocation for Greatness

Here's one final other from Ze Frank! Again, if you are offended by strong language, then just forgo the following video. But, if you have a good sense of humor, and need an awesome inspirational pep talk, click play and go forth!!!

Relationships

Okay, so I try to mostly just put in my life experiences and the lessons I've learned throughout my life. I try to mostly have this from my words, but occasionally the use of someone's opinions/experiences is a helpful tool to say what I have found to be true. The below is a funny ha ha video that very poignantly expresses the truth about relationship dialogue....albeit sandwiched within humor and some foul language. I hope you get the good from it as well as have a chuckle or two in the process:

It's Not Always About You

It really isn't all just about you! The world is not out to get you. Your coworkers are not out to wreck your life. Whatever the situation or relationship, it's not just you or your feelings or your perspective in the mix. We take everything so personally....In most cases everyone is primarily thinking only about themselves, their perspective, their hurts, their wants and in doing so getting offended, slighted, hurt, misused because we take it from the vantage point of it being about us. Just step off the vanity wheel and realize that the world and all circumstances do not revolve around you and you alone! Try to see things from the other person's perspective before just dissolving in your own hurts or slights. Realize that we misinterpret others a huge chunk of the time based on our past hurts and unresolved messiness. Take a moment and determine what you're bringing into a situation/relationship from prior experiences that might be tainting your interaction....and ask, ask, ask. Rather than stewing over something you are perceiving, ask for clarity from the person involved. How silly to just stew and create a big mess over something that could be defined and "fixed" by openly discussing your feelings!

Don't Run

Whatever you run from, you become. Whether this is you becoming the "thing" you are running from or you becoming the "victim" of it. Examples: Sometimes we run from stress and tasks and then find ourselves reaping the repercussions. We become or create the very circumstances we are trying to avoid by not facing them. Sometimes we run from confrontations and then find ourselves either succumbing to a situation that is completely against us, or behaving worse in the situation than the person we needed to confront in the first place. Sometimes we avoid becoming "like a person" (a parent, a screw up, etc.) and in all the avoidance lacking examination and growth "to just be us", we instead become the epitome of who we were running from becoming (either by being a horrible opposite or the very behavior). Doing or being the opposite of something we detest isn't the best....what's better is examining and facing what you don't want to become and the whys and figuring out who you should become, not just running in a different direction for the sake of not being something. Bottom-line, examine, question, grow, but in all cases face what you need to face. Running, hiding, judging, to avoid/escape in almost all cases land you exactly in worse situations of the same sort.

Moment To Moment

I find myself more days than not rushing from one event, scheduled appointment, to-do, time with kiddos , etc. It is asked that if you are constantly rushing from moment to moment what happens to the moment you are are in? How can you ever "be in the moment" if you are rushing from one to the other?

Being busy seems to be a part of our every day existences anymore, but here's the thing: You need to enjoy the moments you're in regardless of how busy you find yourself! How? Well, I view each moment (event, to-do, appointment, chore, special time with loved ones, self time, etc.) as it's own "thing"... in other words, each moment, regardless of how packed the others around it are, is special and the only moment I'm considering, enjoying, fussing over. Living in the moment, taking stock of what it is regardless of what came before it or what comes after it.

An example, is one of my days last week: Up early and on little sleep, but not thinking about all the would have dones, could have dones, should have dones, of the previous day, only focused on the present days can dos, should dos, need to dos.  I sat down with a cup of coffee and began some desperately neglected desk work only to be interrupted by one of my children (the early riser) needing special "mommy time". I could have shooed him away and been stressed over the interruption, but instead stopped and focused solely on his need for my undivided time and attention. His need became my only priority and focus; and in doing so, I enjoyed a very special, once in a lifetime talk with my child. Once that need and moment was fulfilled, I returned to the urgency of my task at hand of desk work. By focusing my entire energy and thought in each moment, I am able to move through the have tos more efficiently, and enjoy the want tos or need tos completely. I worked until the very last second before rushing out the door to make some appointments with clients. Fretting a bit on being late for the first appointment, I stopped and realized that with this next "moment", I could reset, because once there, I would be in the moment I am supposed to be in for the time allotted, and that the rest of the day would flow from that reset place. With every hiccup throughout your day, realize that each following moment is a time to reset and focus...enjoy...be productive. Even the pauses in life should be a focal point, in those moments of pause.

Boundaries Defined

There are physical boundaries and emotional boundaries. You wouldn't let someone slap you repeatedly without stopping them would you? I hope not! So why so often do we allow people to violate our emotional boundaries in a very similar way? It's important to be in touch with our own feelings and understandings before we can hope to take responsibility for our own behavior and what behaviors we should allow from others. Different relationships and situations require different boundaries or rules of behavior. For example, the way spouses intimately know one another allows for different dialogue and behaviors with one another than say siblings or strangers. Boundaries whether they be physical or emotional are simply rules of interaction and behavior.

Feelings

If you now have that song in your head, my apologies and a few giggles..... Feelings are very important as indicators of what's going on within and without us. It's even more important to understand that staying in certain feelings too long is an indicator of something "within". Grief aside, as we all grieve in different time frames and that's a tale for another day. Let's deal now with a few feelings that you might need to understand in order to better work through them. Note, this is not an all inclusive list, but the core:

Anger and Resentment: If you are angry and/or resentful, knowing why is the first step to resolution. Questions to ask yourself: 1) Do you feel trapped?  2) Are your boundaries being violated?  3) Are you being taken advantage of and misused?  4) Did you not get your way?  If yes to 1-3, then the way you work through is to acknowledge the reality of the situation and reestablish your boundaries and behavior. You won't be able to change anything in the circumstance initially other than your behavior and perspective. What will follow is the other person(s) or entity's reaction at your push back. Deep breath because this is where enforcing what is right is not always easiest, but still very much necessary to get you from anger/resentment to peace and balance. If yes to 4, then examine if "your way" is you being of an "entitled" mindset. Is what you are wanting and not receiving even yours to receive? Why? What part are you playing in you not receiving? If you're simply having a tantrum over something you are not in fact entitled to receive, then stomp your foot, irnk, and then get over it already as life is too short. Figure out a way to obtain the "want" that you earn or figure out a way to move on to something else.

Sad/Hurt and Despair: Outside of grief (death, relationship, job), the same process and variables from above can apply, but additionally: 1) Are you feeling this from a lack of self worth?  2) Are you feeling this from a lack of direction or know how?  3) Are you feeling hopeless and helpless?  So if yes to 1-4 above (Anger/Resentment), then follow those to get out of your hole. If yes to 1-3 here, then know that nothing good ever comes from a pity party. Know that our self worth is not determined by another person, entity, or the success or failure from anything. Our self worth is the product of who we are at our core being. It is something you have to embrace and acknowledge. We are all flawed, but it's about the flaws and the gifts/abilities that make us perfectly us and unique. There is not another soul just like you and you are a blessing to this world in your way. Camping out in victim land is not going to be a good use of you and what you have to offer. Regardless of what has been "done to you", being a victim of your circumstances is still very much in your power to change and redefine. Seek help, if you need tools to move past where you are....friends, family, books, therapy. Take a deep breath and know that you are worth so much more than drowning in despair.

Jealousy: Well this is a fun one for sure. Ask yourself why you are looking at what others or someone in particular has in the first place...and why you have the need to claim it as yours? If you are not happy with something in your life, then seeking what someone else has is not going to help you. First, what they have that you see from your perspective and not knowing the full depth of their circumstances is ridiculous for so many reasons. Let's say you desire the family structure someone has for whatever reason. What someone has from the limited view you have of them might not be something you'd actually want in the end. How they obtained the life they have or the family they have might not be a journey you could ever have imagined or would be built to endure. The Facebook mentality of only putting out there for the world our best hair day and smile sums this scenario and point up nicely. My daughter saw a "selfie" picture of a friend of mine on my phone and asked who that was .... Keep in mind she sees this individual all the time, but she didn't recognize her from the picture .... When I told her who it was, she examined the picture and questioned me if I was sure because it didn't look like her at all. We see what people put out there for the world to see, but looks can definitely be deceiving and not at all representative of reality. We all have our insecurities and problems.....why again would you want someone else's journey and lessons to learn?

Monkey See Please Monkey Don't Do

Teaching young children how to honor their feelings while at the same time being appropriate in their actions and relaying of their emotions is a fun little task. By carefully dissecting this for a child, one becomes innately aware of just how slack we become in these behaviors ourselves.

It is common for us to react to someone else's behavior by "giving them the same in return" or erecting emotional walls they cannot hope to penetrate in the future or by over or under reacting. The right way to 'deal' with a "monkey" is to not then act like the monkey, but to be true to ourselves. Honor your feelings in an appropriate manner. If it is appropriate based upon the relationship to voice your feelings, then do so in a respectful way. Just because someone is being disrespectful to you, does not give you license to go against your character and be disrespectful in return. Whether it is a situation you can express your feelings and boundaries aloud or not, you can always behave in accordance with your feelings and boundaries. We all have our "monkey" moments due to stress, conflict, whatever, but behaving like a monkey is never okay. Own your stuff and behave like the upright human you know you are ;-)

Why Do You Do That Thing You Do?

So what's your motivation? Examining why you are doing something is a clear indication of whether it is a good idea or not....if it will work out or not. If your motivation is to gain approval, acceptance, or to "look good" in the eyes of another, then skip it cause while you might get a pat on the head or a nod, it's all as superficial and short lived as were your motivation for the action in the first place. If your motivation is because it is expected or the "right thing to do", look into the whys of this because the answer might be a resounding scream of "no way". Why something is "expected" is a necessary answer to obtain on the front end....Is it expected because it is legitimate responsibility of yours, or is it expected because you have always overfunctioned in said relationship or job that, well, it has become what you'll do just because no one else wants to and you always do/will. If your motivation is to manipulate, cajole, guilt, or maneuver another, then seriously stop what you're doing and see how this is not functional behavior.

Good and clear motivations for actions are that of legitimate responsibility, healthy selfless care, growth, pure love, charity, and investment. Know that going into good and clear motivations means that you are not expecting anything in return, including acknowledgement of your actions. Not expecting anything in return does not mean that if there is an if/then agreement for the action in play that you shouldn't expect your end of the deal. For example if you are looking at your motivation for performing in a job then you should get paid. The difference here is that if you over perform in the job, going beyond your tasked duties or expected performance, as an investment for "possible" future advancement then fine....BUT, if you are over performing expecting everyone to see what a wonderful creature you are or because you feel this will make you more accepted or because you get stuck doing it at the manipulation of coworkers, then stop and examine the functionality of you and your situation. Acting in dysfunctional ways leads to resentment, anger, hostility, displeasure, feelings of low self worth, broken trusts, and loss.

Entitled

Tough love time ;-) You are not "entitled" to anything, but your thoughts and feelings. You're not even entitled to oxygen. You need oxygen to live, but you're not entitled to it, and that's the difference. It's the perspective of knowing what you need vs want vs the demand of entitlement that trips us up in how we wade through life and relationships. Think about that for a moment! How many times has your energy spiraled into all kinds of dark corners and bad places because you've worked yourself up into a lather about a hardship because you felt it was owed you? If you are in a situation where your boundaries are being violated, then enforce your boundaries. Don't expect the violator to suddenly have an awakening that they are harming you.

An example: A couple who has been married for decades (so older children of parents living multiple states away) with established life, career, and small children of their own. The mother of one member of the couple routinely insists on visits from the couple (and grandchildren) based on her schedule and whim. No request, just a demand. If her demand is politely denied by the couple, she attacks the merits by which she is denied. She guilts them based on her entitlement as "the mother" and grandmother and how long she was in labor with said child. She feels entitled to them following her needs and wants and desires regardless of boundaries or others' feelings or schedules involved. The couple feels entitled to their right of refusal.

You cannot change another person in thought or action! You can only change you....period and end of story. You and only you can establish and enforce healthy thought, behavior, and boundaries. "The mother" in the example above does not consider or even think anyone outside of herself is important, or even valid, and for that will never receive more than resentment at forcing her will of entitlement onto others. The couple would freely visit her, if their boundaries were not always violated. This is not a functional or caring relationship in which anyone benefits. When dealing with an abuser of boundaries who do not think beyond their own selfish beings, you cannot change the way in which they behave or react to you. You can only change how you "dance" with them. Hopefully, they will behave differently in the future based upon your loving care of enforcing boundaryful functional relationship interactions. But, if not, at least you've adhered to what is necessary to not be victimized.

It would be great if The Golden Rule was how everyone behaved, but come on that's not how it goes. Just because other folks don't do what they should, is no reason for you to feel entitled to special "woe is me rights" because you do. Be thankful for being you and for knowing and doing better....you are not entitled to anything else anyway!

Turn The Other Cheek.....Not Always

Whether you are a Christian or not, we are all familiar with the phrase of "turn the other cheek". Here's the thing though, not if you are being abused and used or mistreated. It does not say anywhere in the Bible that Christians, or anyone, should be second class citizens and take whatever treatment is dished upon us. If there is someone who is flailing and trying and insulting you in some way, but you find yourself in a position of helping that person be better, then yes you should "turn the other cheek". If there is someone who is maliciously or selfishly mistreating you, your boundaries for their own gains, then enforcing your boundaries and protecting yourself is absolutely the best lesson the other can receive from you. Don't be a victim! Christ did not teach such, nor was that the example He set! By the same token, don't be an ass either....firm and concise is all that is required when being mistreated.