What You Do Matters! LOTS

What you do is vitally more important than what you say. That isn't to suggest our words are not important, because they most definitely are, as words mean something ... both what is stated and what is left out. Actions, however, are like pictures and speak louder and more voluminously than words. What you do, or do not do, in work, relationship, play, and body language relays who you are and what you stand for or against. To gain respect, love, honor, and even trust comes at the hand of action not words of intention! 

Don't Take It Personally

Here it is again: Don't Take IT Personally! When someone is telling you something, no matter the relationship dynamic (work, family, friend), our first inclination is to take it personally and make what they're saying all about us and how it impacts our feelings. Think about it....it's true, if you're honest. Think about this: When you speak aren't you wanting the other(s) to hear what you're sharing with them? Wouldn't you be annoyed if your feelings were not heard as being about you? Why then are you making someone else's feelings that they are sharing about you? Let's try an exercise in listening to what another person is saying rather than making everything so personal and about ourselves. Know who you are, work through your stuff, so when you interact with others....You are legit in your interaction!

Not Okay!

First, we all have issues and struggles that we are going through, working through. It's never okay to be inappropriate and/or abusive to another because of what you are going through in life!!! Situation in point, as an example:

I am a personal fitness trainer and interact with all kinds of folks going through all kinds of struggles. I accept a certain level of negative interaction because I understand that as people struggle through insecurities and hardships that they need a certain amount of latitude in those struggles. It can be taxing at times as I have my own "stuff" I'm struggling with, and having another encroach on my emotional boundaries adds a level of negativity that harms me. What's not allowed, or ever okay, is when someone abuses that latitude as a way to consistently feel better about themselves. Recently, I was faced with finally drawing a line with a particular client because of such an abuse of our relationship. Being verbally abusive, negative, derogatory, demeaning, etc., at another's expense is never okay for any reason! Doing so to make yourself feel better and okay is never appropriate! Accepting someone else's habitual (especially escalating) inappropriate behavior is not okay for any reason! Neither I, nor anyone, is ever helping the other person by allowing them to be inappropriate. 

Ridding Yourself

Just to clarify....When I say "rid yourself" of a situation, I'm never suggesting we should just dump people or relationships and run from any situation. I'm saying, don't continue in situations and/or relationships that are unhealthy. By "not continuing", it could be simply that you are not continuing in your participation of the unhealthy behaviors. Sometimes, yes, it is appropriate and necessary to exit dysfunctional and/or unhealthy situations/relationships, but it is always better to first try to change your interactions and "acceptance" of bad behaviors and see what results from that shift. Never run or dump before trying better solutions first.

Follow Up

So a comment from the Not Feeling It Post:

"I hadn't considered that angle in depth before. Why can I encounter one negative person, and it not affect me. Then encounter another such person and it completely drain me? Thinking that through, there's generally an unresolved something with person B. It might be a new boundary that I need to establish, but am fearing the conflict. Or, like you say, it might be a situation like work where it's not possible to assert those boundaries. I guess in those cases I'd have to have a hard look at why the negativity affects me. Is it because I'm feeling taken for granted? If so, why am I seeking my sense of self-worth from my job? If I have something else, a hobby, etc; from which I can feel accomplished, shouldn't the job become simply a revenue stream instead of an identity?
Or, is the work interaction truly an abusive situation? If so, steps should be taken to resolve that. Maybe some office politics have to be endured; or Human Resources involved. Or maybe it is time to get that revenue stream elsewhere.
So, is that soul-sucking feeling from a negative individual a warning sign that I'm allowing myself to operate in a victim place?"

Yes and Yes. I find that if I'm feeling "less than" or negative in most situations it is because I'm not using my voice, don't feel I have a voice, or my boundaries are being grossly violated. If you find yourself not "you"...ask yourself the whys. No situation or relationship should diminish your voice or your boundaries....ever. If it does, it needs to be greatly examined. 

Not Feeling It?

Let's say you find yourself in a good mood, productive happy place, and then are around someone(s) that alter that mood immediately. Ask yourself, is it an unresolved something or that person? There are more than one such someones in my life, and it's uncomfortable and unpleasant for such a negative cloud to immediately fall over me. It's difficult to have a conversation or even be any part of "me" but the most negative in those encounters. If you just aren't feeling yourself or feeling good about the other person, rid yourself of the situation if at all possible. Life is too short for such sacrifices of self! There of course are the situations and people we are seemingly stuck with for whatever reason (work, etc.). In the instances that are unavoidable in the present, do the best you can to be the best you regardless. Remaining true to yourself under such draining circumstances can truly be a test of your mad growth skills, but do your best because in this type of encounter it really is them and not you....

Forced Isn't Real

We all want to belong. Sometimes in that desperation to feel a part of something, we are apart from what matters. Be sure what you are doing isn't just undoing you and all of what you believe. You cannot force a situation or relationship, and why would you even want something forced? If you are having to force your will onto someone else without finding out why you are forcing it, and they are running, then it is not real for you or them. Further, if you are not interested in the "why", then you also don't really care more than your "want".

The Perceptions of Your Children

Your children not only hear everything you say (whether they act like they do or not), but they watch everything you do. Every little or big behavior you do, they see and absorb. Especially at young ages when you think it doesn't matter, it does, and they are already soaking in all of the ways you behave as the ways they will behave and who they will become. We can talk and preach and scold all we want, but until we change our very behaviors that we do not want them to mimic, they will keep on absorbing them.

Some examples:

If one parent routinely disregards and doesn't listen to the other parent, this sets the children up to disregard and not honor either parent. They are being taught through action what is acceptable and okay regardless of what is told to them to do. Do not misunderstand me, I'm not suggesting that any of this is "acceptable (ok) behavior". Acceptable behavior in relationships is what is allowed. If bad behavior is allowed, for whatever reason, then it becomes accepted by all in the relationship dynamic.

If a parent routinely reacts poorly to failure, even if it's just the toast burning, and the child sees either the self infliction of how inept they feel about themselves, or the anger and handling the feelings of anger badly, then the child will adapt this as their coping mechanism as well. Their self talk becomes what we teach them our self talk is...and their lack of anger management becomes what we show them ours is.

If a parent talks bad about themselves, feels bad themselves, then the child will also adapt these behaviors. And the lists go on and on.....

We need to honor ourselves for us, but also for our children! They desperately need to develop with a good sense of ownership of their thoughts, emotions, boundaries and how to express those healthily!! Love and care for you, so your children will love and care for themselves!!!

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly Is Good....

Let your children see your mistakes....the good, the bad, and the ugly. Kids benefit by not having a false sense of what life looks like. They need to know that you are not perfect. Even more, they need to know how to resolve, fix, move through all of what life is so they can do it when you're not there to clean up after them.

Showing yourself does not just apply to your children either. The best relationships are the ones in which you can be real, raw, unfiltered. Presenting a false self is a false relationship, and is way too difficult to maintain....Just be you always! No matter what that looks like. Here's a tip, if you think it's something you should hide from the world, perhaps it's something you should work on changing rather than hiding!!!

I Think I Can....I Think I Can....I Know I Can

So it's one of those days, weeks, daunting tasks and you find yourself with barely a loose grip on your bootstraps and more negative than positive thoughts are creeping in on all the reasons why you just can't do the massive whatever in front of you. Sometimes simply 'setting your jaw' and forcing yourself through it isn't the best or will always work. Sometimes the "think you can" train just isn't enough to push you through and over. In those moments, pause and breathe. There is something more going on than just the task at hand. For me, sometimes it's what that task represents that is what is unbearable more than the task itself. In those instances, I need to work through that symbolism before I can actually accomplish the task. To push through anyway would just perpetuate the ill will and me going against myself again. Know that you CAN do whatever, but should you in that state of mind?....perhaps not.

Clean Up Your Past

Is your past keeping you stuck in your present and preventing you from your future? Work through what you haven't let go from your past in order to function fully in your present and grow happily towards your future. Without working through your past whatevers, they constantly are a factor in your conversations and interactions of your present. They will continue to be the insecure and opened wound of any relationship until you resolve it within yourself. Resolution isn't always possible to obtain with the others involved. More than not the resolution must be about you reconciling what happened in the past (what happened, how you felt about it, how it hinders you now, how you can let go and move on). Letting go can only come about with understanding of the whats and hows of what happened then, so they do not have to keep coming up now. Closure and understanding are two entirely different beasts. Even if you cannot obtain closure from another, you can obtain closure from you fully understanding what happened, how you felt about it then, how you feel about it now...dissecting your ownership and the others (whether they own it or not, you knowing that the duck is yellow even if they continue to call it purple is what helps you). Remember that it's never about changing another ... just you for you!

Being Whole & Fulfilled

So let's say you are more or less healthy, more or less successful in your job, more or less "up" on matters of your home and family, and more or less happy ... Are you actually "whole"? What is it to be a whole, functional, happy person? Being whole does not mean that you have everything that you want in/from life, but rather that you are complete and satisfied and fulfilled. To be complete in yourself means you are not having to be fed from another..not seeking approval or acceptance from others. That because you are complete within yourself, you honor yourself and your physical and emotional boundaries and you do not go against yourself to get by in any relationship/situation. 

Don't Forget To Play

Playing is very important to be productive in life and work. If all you do is work and chores and your to-do lists and necessary family/friend interactions, but you aren't actually "playing"...letting go and being mentally free....then you will wear out, break down, be less and less productive. Playing in life is as important for your mental and emotional health as is sleep! Make time to really play and everything and everyone in your life will benefit!!!

Pleasure From Pain

If you are staying in a relationship(s)/situation because it is familiar, and therefore more comfortable than stepping into the unknown and out of your comfort zone, then you are probably also in the habit of being comfortable settling for pain over pleasure. If you are going against yourself in a relationship just to stay in it, then you are in pain. This pain maybe minor or major, but pain is pain. Know that you are worth honoring and that staying in any situation that could be changed by standing up for yourself is worth it. Don't get pleasure from pain or comfort from the fear of stepping out into the unknown!