2016

So here we are again, faced with the start of another new year! Resolutions abound to try and promise changes....but why continue the promises and continue to not change? Rather than making resolutions this year, instead make obtainable goals and plans for those goals!!! Whether it's physical or emotional or spiritual or all of the above....stop the cycle of just dreaming change and this year actually make the plans to accomplish real change in your life...You're worth it!!!

Meat vs Shell

Choose to be hardy, to be whole, to be the real deal...all meat! We become whole through self examination and consistently choosing to be who you are...not beholden to what others think of you. We become just a shell of ourselves, devoid of our real selves (real anything) when we shape shift to fit the environment we are in/or the people for which we are surrounded. Better said, we sell pieces of our very souls (personality) when we choose to please or perform or pretend for others because we devalue who we are to stand for who we are. Bottom line, you are doing yourself no favors by faking who you are in any way. If you legitimately don't like something about you because you (yourself) find it undesirable, then by all means (and please) change that thing!!!

Excuses = Lying

If you insist on doing the same bad behaviors over and over, then just own those behaviors as who you are and stop making excuses as if you don't know better. Repeated excuses are not owning your behavior and are just lies we tell either/or ourselves and/or those we are behaving badly towards. If you know better and are just deciding not to do better for whatever reason, then own that's a choice you've made and stop lying about what it is you're doing. 

Worse Than Crying Wolf

You can tell me a yellow flower is purple all day long, but it doesn't make it so. You can tell me all the excuses in the book as to why you always thought it was purple, and then turn it to why you never thought it was purple. Sure we are all blind at times, but consistently talking out of both sides of your mouth to justify yourself or cover your backside is worse than crying wolf and being discerned as untrustworthy. Actions do your talking. Double talking is the tell that you are either manipulative and/or deceitful...So, don't do that thing!

Truth Vs Mean

Truth can be difficult to listen to, but truth is truth however harsh the reality of it. Truth is not mean or malicious. If truth stings, it's a time to reflect, dig, understand, and discern. Make corrections where needed, but not excuses.

Mean is not truth. A certain person comes to mind that I've had the displeasure of interacting. He touts himself as a truth teller and "calling it like it is", but the reality is he's just mean. The majority of what he spews, he does to justify himself and his life choices. The word "jackass" usually leaps to mind when listening to him talk of others. Truth can be harsh, but it is never mean. The folks who legitimately speak truth are typically not cruel in their delivery or intention for if they are they are not speaking entirely truthfully. Truth also never comes in the form of gossip. Gossip is another version and usually intertwined with the mean. Malicious intent (whether from insecurity or manipulation) indicates motive of another kind. 

Insecurity

We all are insecure about (fill in the blank...body, work, abilities, finances, parenting, etc., etc., etc.). The real danger with not getting a grip on reality of your insecurities and putting them into perspective is that you will make long lasting and regrettable decisions based on them. It puts you in a negative approach to whatever you try to do as long as what's leading your decisions is fear and insecurity. 

Defeated

There are those times (short and long) where you just feel defeated at every turn and in everything. Sunk! It's really difficult in those times to put any of any of it into perspective and determine how to keep trying. Sunk 'n' Drowning is the general feeling. Here's what I know about it....it sucks! Beyond that, getting quiet and still and just feeling through it before figuring anything concrete out is usually necessary. I'm not saying to set up for an epic pity party....I'm saying it's okay to fall to pieces before you can rebuild the broken pieces. Fighting the defeat only prolongs the drowning. Think of it as allowing your conscious and subconscious mind to feel what it's feeling before trying to determine what's reality and putting everything in perspective to determine how to "fix" whatever it is.

A Reminder

Just a reminder of what this blog is about....my blog and my purpose:

As one walks through life and makes the subtle choices to stagnate and numbly go through life on auto pilot or to grow beyond themselves and thrive beyond their self –imposed boundaries of their current mind, each step of the walk dictates their future circumstances knowingly or unknowingly. The sad truth is, most do not even realize the power they harness for their future by choosing to remain in the comfort of their known abilities. Let’s say that a child is reared up and has only known passive aggressive behavior from their parents and has practiced this behavior through their entire childhood on into their early adulthood. Every relationship, work, friend, or foe will either enhance this learned, continued behavior or it will trigger change. Such a person, for example, can choose to blame struggles at work or at home on other influences or circumstances or they will at some point take accountability for their actions as a cause of outcomes. Self-examinations throughout life are paramount to stepping outside of stagnation.

Your life’s journey is not about who you were yesterday or who you wish you are today or tomorrow, but rather about how and who you are evolving into moment by moment. Very Effective Living offers thoughtful and insightful tips on being your own Life Coach! Embrace you every day, and acknowledge the good with the bad. Be happy with where you are in the present and you will arrive with much more ease at your destinations in the future!

Universal Truths

Not all of anyone’s journey are bad times and lessons to learn. The epiphany that came as I traveled unknowingly down the road to being a personal trainer is one such example. As I began to coach people on their weight loss journeys it was clear to me more and more that each one of us are truly created equal with equal struggles and equal insecurities and that a weight loss journey is not just about weight, but so much more internal struggle. Here are some excerpts of coaching e-mails that might speak to a struggle in your life however big or small (these apply to more than just weight loss...but across the spectrum of life)

I know with school back in this week and this also being the first week of our September Challenge, this has been a “challenging” week for everyone.  I am glad you all managed to hold on to your focus in spite of the obstacles.  Was it a perfect week….NO, but is life perfect….NO.  Neither this challenge, nor your fat loss journey, nor anything in life is about reaching perfection but about doing your perfect best every opportunity you have to do it and understanding what that means.  Your perfect best changes from moment to moment as your circumstances change….but mostly as your understanding of your journey changes.  I was reading an article this morning that said “before you can know something, you first have to learn it; that understanding is necessarily a process of steps; and that this process takes time….everyone has to progress through certain stages of understanding.”  It went on to draw the analogy of learning to play the piano or knit…..one starts out very crudely but with practice and ongoing understanding improves and evolves.  In other words, with each stage of understanding of any craft, profession, or journey the start is always crude and then the destination is always further the closer we get to it because not only does our ability improve and evolve and become less and less crude but also we understand that one’s learning, development….journey is never at an end (as the saying goes, the more you know, the more you realize you need to learn).  So, know that however clumsily any week/effort/workout goes you can learn something from it and move on to the next, better equipped to succeed further.  As this is not about the destination but the journey itself….The destination helps us set goals, but the journey is what makes us who we are and appreciate what we have.  Have a great weekend! 

- - -

Happy Monday!!!

Instead of dreading Monday and another week full of “to-do’s” and “have to’s” use it as your fresh start to correct the missteps of the previous week.  Set your intentions for the week ahead of you, and make a plan for how to accomplish them.  By intentions I don’t mean “intend to do but don’t” or “this is what I’d like to do but don’t see how it will ever happen”…. I mean, contemplate what needs to be done and what you would like to do and set your focus, your heart and mind to doing it.  Your intentions are your direction.  Your plan is your road map on how to get there and accomplish your goals.  Our limits are ever moving as we evolve on our journey.  Let’s set about moving some “limits” this week!!!! 

- - -

Do we ever really reach our limits?  Or as I stated earlier in the week, “our limits are ever moving as we evolve on our journey”?  This is a good question and one I have been pondering the last couple of weeks as I am forever thinking I have reached the limit for which I can tolerate (fill in the blank here), only to realize I clearly haven’t since I always go on beyond what was my then limit.  By limits, I mean anything and everything.  We all have them and sometimes we use them as excuses not to push forward past where we are comfortable or “blocked”.  Being comfortable is important for many obvious reasons, but it is not a healthy place to hide from progress.  Being blocked is not always as simple to recognize.  Sometimes we hold ourselves back from success (whether that be in relationships, business, weight loss, what have you) because we have a mental block holding us back.  If you find yourself stopping yourself, making excuses, sabotaging your own efforts, then you need to step back and really exam what is going on…What is holding you back from moving forward in your journey?  As I said last week, this is about your journey not about your destination.  Use this as an opportunity to breakthrough patterns of self sabotage and move forward truer to yourself.  Our perceived limits and fears are only as tangible as we allow them to be and only as hidden as we bury them.  Face your fears, face your limits, and discover how strong you truly are!  “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” –T.S. Eliot.  

- - -

What is happiness?  The comedian Dennis Leary has said in his stand up that happiness comes in small bursts like a really good cookie….I don’t disagree, but think true happiness is more than just short bursts of pleasure.  I am my happiest for longest periods of time when I am true to myself and honor those around me as well as myself and my intentions.  I think that when we live in balance we are happy.  To me it’s the roller coaster of life unbalanced is what causes the most strife and unhappiness.  To me happiness is not a pair of jeans (albeit that would be that short burst of pleasure previously mentioned) but about living as we believe.  Which brings me to a quote by Paul Bourget that I try to live by:  “We must live as we think, otherwise we shall end up by thinking as we have lived.”  So….Plan your happiness, Practice your happiness, Live your happiness.  Everything in balance and moderation is empowering!!!  Have an empowering Week 3!!!

Onwards & Upwards

Was it easy getting to a positive stream of thought on a consistent and daily basis? No, but it was worth all the trials and tribulations to achieve it!  Life is a funny road of twists and turns, pitfalls and pedestals.  Time and again the road I was on took a sharp turn to what felt like nowhere and sometimes despair. Today I have understanding and positivity that eluded me in my younger years. When we check ourselves, we realize in times of trouble just how deeply desperate and ugly things can become. Just as our bodies do not remember pain or appreciate our good health and working parts until one is not in such good working order…Our souls and mind forget how sunshine is just around the corner on our darkest days. However trite it seems….”this too shall pass” and pass it shall. Grab your boot straps and pull yourself up and move onwards and upwards!! This is not to say that there are not still the trials and tribulations of life, just that I now have the skills and perspective necessary to contend with each and every one I am faced.  The journey I am on continues to be one of self discovery, and one I am happy to share with you in hopes it in some way helps you on yours!!!

Simple Understanding

Never begrudge anyone anything, especially their blessings.  If for no other reason, you never know when someone’s blessings are part of God’s plan for your blessings. 

Messy Is Okay

Messy is life! Life is messy! Looking like you have it altogether is fake. It's the false story we tell ourselves as we swim in the crap we've decorated it all in .... Life is messy. Period and end of story. Stop trying to make a pretty story and just work on making a pretty being. By pretty, I mean healthy and functional and a kind human being on the inside, as that's where true beauty resides. It matters not what the mess looks like as long as you are doing what you need to be doing and at the best level you have to offer and for the right reasons. That's all...just a reminder that it's messy ;-)

Happiness

Happiness is something you can't buy. It isn't something you long to happen to you. Happiness is always available to you because it comes from within you. You can find happiness in any horrible anything. It's your light that only you can extinguish. We put so much onus on happiness being something obtainable only once we achieve something.....rubbish. If you aren't happy being you in the worst of times, then you won't be happy when those moments pass. Find your inner peace and you will get to where you truly need to be....

What's The Freakin' Point?

Seriously! Why is this all so hard? Well, if you find yourself in one uphill climb after another then know that something is wrong. Fun, huh!?! Really though, I've been there, still get there some days. It's always because I'm trying to jam a square peg in a triangle hole, and that's never going to work out well. Get frustrated, get mad, but know that none of that is going to make a square fit in a triangle shaped hole. It's not the hole's fault...it's not the squares fault...they just don't fit. Problems, situations, relationships, are all the same way. Trying to force your will, desires, needs into a situation that isn't receptive isn't going to work. Uphill is the least of your problems. Take a breath and know that perspective is gained from a break you make. Take a moment to get clear in order to find your footing forward on more level ground. It's going to be okay, but not as long as you repeat what doesn't work!!!!

YOU Are Responsible For You

I've said it before, but I'll say it again and again....We are only responsible for ourselves! Our thoughts, feelings, perspectives, actions, reactions, bootstrap needs, happiness, etc. A relationship is a give and take, and while within a relationship there is some giving of any of the things we are personally responsible for....IT IS NOT FUNCTIONAL to depend on another person to DO YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES for you on an emotional or physical or financial anything. IF in a relationship both persons are giving and taking in a balanced healthy noncodependent way AND both are also doing for themselves as individuals, THEN that's perfect and helpful and functional and wonderful. But, when the scale tips and another becomes lazy and starts taking this gift for granted....well, my friend, that's when you need to readdress healthy boundaries and responsibilities of self and relationship before the whole thing goes past the point of salvage. 

When Pushing Through Is Wrong For Us....

Being responsible and accountable is good....going against yourself and doing more than your responsibilities consistently is not. Feeling resentment for imbalance when you're overfunctioning and wanting to quit and trying to determine if this is when you should just "bootstrap up" and push through even though 'you're so done' is bad and a definite no. Pushing through is wrong for us when what we're pushing through is wrong for us! You bootstrap and push through when you've fallen into a poor me rut and need to persevere into a can do (your legitimate responsibilities only) frame of mind. You stop and consider what's going on if what you're pushing through is a situation, relationship, work load, etc., that is codependently working on you doing more than normal, more than you should, functioning beyond your legitimate responsibilities. 

Stepping Back To Step Forward

It's so difficult to know when we are surrounded by impossibilities knowing when to step back versus trudging forward. I was brought up with a strong work ethic intertwined with a whole lot of dysfunctional non healthy codependent expectations, so for the majority of my life I chose just to trudge through whether it was a good idea or not because to not would be giving up or letting someone down...besides, I could take it as I was strong (willed). That's foolish! I continue to pay some very high prices for being codependent for all of those years.

In every situation, no matter how long the situation has gone on down a bad road, you always have a choice. A choice to decide to do it differently or not at all. Acknowledging that something isn't working out isn't a bad thing, but pretending a bad situation that isn't working out will magically fix itself is a tragic thing. Knowing that sometimes we have to step back or step away permanently is the only way to step forward into a better choice. That better choice may be a better path within the same situation, or it may be abandonment on a situation that wasn't going to ever work because it's not where or how we are supposed to be at that moment in time.

A work example: Being overextended in a particular work environment or career path thinking that it's a means to an end (promotion, favor, success) can be a good option in the short run, but when this piled up dysfunctional imbalance lasts for too long, and we begin to drown in it, then it's time to examine the pros/cons of this particular situation and determine the whys behind the actions, the gains versus the losses, as everything we do comes at some cost to us and to others. Stepping back in such situations can seem like a gamble, but only if you haven't thought it all through. In every choice, make them for the right reasons and own your choice. Know that there are consequences (both good and bad) for every action or nonaction you take (not making a choice is still a choice made...not acting is a choice). Stepping back from dysfunctional over extension (hours, work load, whatever it is) allows for you to step forward in a more productive manner and down a better path. It also could mean less money or loss of promotion, favor, success, or job, so you in your choice you have to decide the whys behind you choosing xyz (health factors, family time, to set boundaries from being misused, sanity, lack of desire in particular job and need to look at other paths, etc.). Sometimes just thinking through all the scenarios and ramifications is all we need to feel good about remaining in a situation we were previously miserable about. 

Beyond Codependency

If you've read Codependent No More and find yourself past the identification phase of codependency, a great resource for ongoing living and recovery are Melody Beattie's other books Beyond Codependency and The New Codependency.

Working through codependency is not a once and done thing. We get triggered and find ourselves repeating codependent behaviors, and at times relapsing back fully into codependency. It's a never ending growth journey that if we continue to work through can live life fully without just enduring life and others. Feeling empathy and compassion without taking on the role of caretaker for everyone we come in contact is possible. Living in the reality of our needs being important too, and our rights being just as valid as those triggering us to take care of only them can be your reality with practice. 

What Is Codependency

Excerpted from Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Characteristics of Codependent People

by Melody Beattie

• Caretaking: Codependents may:
  • think and feel responsible for other people for other people's feelings, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
  • feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
  • feel compelled almost forced to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
  • feel angry when their help isn't effective.
  • anticipate other people's needs.
  • wonder why others don't do the same for them.
  • find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
  • not know what they want and need or, if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
  • try to please others instead of themselves.
  • find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves.
  • feel safest when giving.
  • feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
  • feel sad because the spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.
  • find themselves attracted to needy people.
  • find needy people attracted to them.
  • feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
  • abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
  • overcommit themselves.
  • feel harried and pressured.
  • believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
  • blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
  • say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.
  • believe other people are making them crazy.
  • feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
  • find other people become impatient or angry with them for all the preceding characteristics.
• Low Self-Worth: Codependents tend to:
  • come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
  • deny their family was troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional.
  • blame themselves for everything.
  • pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel , look, act, and behave.
  • get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize the codependents something codependents regularly do to themselves.
  • reject compliments or praise.
  • get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation).
  • feel different than the rest of the world.
  • think they're not quite good enough.
  • feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves.
  • feel rejection.
  • take things personally.
  • have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism.
  • feel like victims.
  • tell themselves they can't do anything right.
  • be afraid of making mistakes.
  • wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
  • expect themselves to do everything perfectly.
  • wonder why they can't get anything done to their satisfaction.
  • have a lot of "shoulds."
  • feel a lot of guilt.
  • feel ashamed of who they are.
  • think their lives aren't worth living.
  • try to help other people live their lives instead.
  • artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
  • get strong feelings of low self-worth embarrassment, failure, etc. from other people's failures and problems.
  • wish good things would happen to them.
  • believe good things never will happen.
  • wish other people would like and love them.
  • believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them.
  • try to prove they're good enough for other people.
  • settle for being needed.
• Repression: Many codependents:
  • push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt.
  • become afraid to let themselves be who they are.
  • appear rigid and controlled.
• Obsession: Codependents tend to:
  • feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
  • worry about the silliest things.
  • think and talk a lot about other people.
  • lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior.
  • worry.
  • never find answers.
  • check on people.
  • try to catch people in acts of misbehavior.
  • feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems.
  • abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something.
  • focus all their energy on other people and problems.
  • wonder why they never have any energy.
  • wonder why they can't get things done.
• Controlling: Many codependents:
  • have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
  • become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
  • don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control.
  • think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave.
  • try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
  • eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people's anger.
  • get frustrated and angry.
  • feel controlled by events and people.
• Denial: Codependents tend to:
  • ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening.
  • pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
  • tell themselves things will be better tomorrow.
  • stay busy so they don't have to think about things.
  • get confused.
  • get depressed or sick.
  • go to doctors and get tranquilizers.
  • became workaholics.
  • spend money compulsively.
  • overeat.
  • pretend those things aren't happening, either.
  • watch problems get worse.
  • believe lies.
  • lie to themselves.
  • wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.
• Dependency: Many codependents:
  • don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
  • look for happiness outside themselves.
  • latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.
  • feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think provides their happiness.
  • didn't feel love and approval from their parents.
  • don't love themselves.
  • believe other people can't or don't love them.
  • desperately seek love and approval.
  • often seek love from people incapable of loving.
  • believe other people are never there for them.
  • equate love with pain.
  • feel they need people more than they want them.
  • try to prove they're good enough to be loved.
  • don't take time to see if other people are good for them.
  • worry whether other people love or like them.
  • don't take time to figure out if they love or like other people.
  • center their lives around other people.
  • look to relationships to provide all their good feelings.
  • lose interest in their own lives when they love.
  • worry other people will leave them.
  • don't believe they can take care of themselves.
  • stay in relationships that don't work.
  • tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.
  • feel trapped in relationships.
  • leave bad relationships and form new ones that don't work either.
  • wonder if they will ever find love.
• Poor Communication: Codependents frequently:
  • blame
  • threaten.
  • coerce.
  • beg.
  • bribe.
  • advise.
  • don't say what they mean.
  • don't mean what they say.
  • don't know what they mean.
  • don't take themselves seriously.
  • think other people don't take the codependents seriously.
  • take themselves too seriously.
  • ask for what they want and need indirectly--sighing, for example
  • find it difficult to get to the point.
  • aren't sure what the point is.
  • gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect.
  • try to say what they think will please people.
  • try to say what they think will provoke people.
  • try to say what they hope will make people do what they want them to do.
  • eliminate the word "no" from their vocabulary
  • talk too much.
  • talk about other people.
  • avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts.
  • say everything is their fault.
  • say nothing is their fault.
  • believe their opinions don't matter.
  • wait to express their opinions until they know other people's opinions.
  • lie to protect and cover up for people they love.
  • lie to protect themselves.
  • have a difficult time asserting their rights.
  • have a difficult time expressing their emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately.
  • think most of what they have to say is unimportant.
  • begin to talk in cynical, self-degrading, or hostile ways.
  • apologize for bothering people.
• Weak Boundaries: Codependents frequently:
  • say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
  • gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they never would.
  • let others hurt them.
  • keep letting people hurt them.
  • wonder why they hurt so badly.
  • complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
  • finally get angry.
  • become totally intolerant.
• Lack Of Trust: Codependents:
  • don't trust themselves.
  • don't trust their feelings.
  • don't trust their decisions.
  • don't trust other people.
  • try to trust untrustworthy people.
  • think God has abandoned them.
  • lose faith and trust in God.
• Anger: Many codependents:
  • feel very scared, hurt, and angry.
  • live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry.
  • are afraid of their own anger.
  • are frightened of other people's anger.
  • think people will go away if anger enters the picture.
  • think other people make them feel angry.
  • are afraid to make other people feel anger.
  • feel controlled by other people's anger.
  • repress their angry feelings.
  • cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.
  • punish other people for making the codependents angry.
  • have been shamed for feeling angry.
  • place guilt and shame on themselves for feeling angry.
  • feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness.
  • feel safer with their anger than with hurt feelings.
  • wonder if they'll ever not be angry.
• Sex Problems: Some codependents:
  • are caretakers in the bedroom.
  • have sex when they don't want to.
  • have sex when they'd rather be held, nurtured, and loved.
  • try to have sex when they're angry or hurt.
  • refuse to enjoy sex because they're so angry at their partner.
  • are afraid of losing control.
  • have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
  • withdraw emotionally from their partner.
  • feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.
  • don't talk about it.
  • force themselves to have sex, anyway.
  • reduce sex to a technical act.
  • wonder why they don't enjoy sex.
  • lose interest in sex.
  • make up reasons to abstain.
  • wish their sex partner would die, go away, or sense the codependent's feelings.
  • have strong sexual fantasies about other people.
  • consider or have an extramarital affair.
• Miscellaneous: Codependents tend to:
  • be extremely responsible.
  • be extremely irresponsible.
  • become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don't require sacrifice.
  • find it difficult to feel close to people.
  • find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
  • have an overall passive response to codependency--crying, hurt, helplessness.
  • have and overall aggressive response to codependency--violence, anger, dominance.
  • combine passive and aggressive responses.
  • vacillate in decisions and emotions.
  • laugh when they feel like crying.
  • stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
  • be ashamed about family, personal, or relationship problems.
  • be confused about the nature of the problem.
  • cover up, lie, and protect the problem.
  • not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or they aren't important enough.
  • wonder why the problem doesn't go away.
• Progressive: In the later stages of codependency, codependents may:
  • feel lethargic.
  • feel depressed.
  • become withdrawn and isolated.
  • experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.
  • abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
  • feel hopeless.
  • begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.
  • think about suicide.
  • become violent.
  • become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
  • experience an eating disorder (over- or undereating).
  • become addicted to alcohol and other drugs.

The preceding checklist is long but not all-inclusive. Like other people, codependents do, feel, and think many things. There are not a certain number of traits that guarantees whether a person is or isn't codependent. Each person is different; each person has his or her way of doing things. I'm just trying to paint a picture. The interpretation, or decision, is up to you. What's most important is that you first identify behaviors or areas that cause you problems, and then decide what you want to do.

Say What?

So in observation of a long-term dysfunctional relationship is a petri dish fraught with examples of how not to be! Recently, another hideous such example from such a  relationship was brought to me, so thought I'd share....We'll call this lesson in life, "Get Over Yourself"

It's never okay to manipulate your relationships. Throwing a tantrum in the midst of your manipulations is ridiculous and LOL, albeit tragic at the thought of how truly pitiful such a person is. If you want someone in your life, sending them a text reprimanding them for not kissing your ring, is juvenile and beyond egomaniacal. So often, I've heard that so and so doesn't ever call me....Do you have a phone? Then call them. Waiting around passive aggressively stewing over someone not doing something you telepathically wish them to just so your ego can stay in check .... well there are no words except, bye bye now! 

Internal Not External

So ;-) A lesson learned in a rhyme:

A little bitty Finch sitting by a tree;

Wanting to be a Hawk so very badly.

The size was important, but the status more so;

Poor little Finch didn't know how to grow.

Growth of that magnitude is something from within;

Neither does it matter what or how you're born;

The kinda growth we're talking is mentally performed.

You can desire a status of any or every kind, but true stature is from internal growth and understanding. Such stature neither cares to whom you were born, what you look like, or how much money you can collect. Anyone in any situation can have as much or as little as they develop from within. 

Pretending To Be OK or Really OK?

It's easy to fall into pretending to be okay versus really being okay. We've all been there thinking it doesn't matter or trying to impress someone with how we can handle whatever. Being truly okay is making the right choices and honoring yourself as well as those around you (in a healthy noncodependent way of course). Pretending to be okay is a temporary fix that we end up paying triple for down the road. Think of it as a ponzi scheme that we're doing to ourselves!

Lost Your Umph?

Loosing your mojo is yucky. It happens mostly when we get overextended and in repeated violation of our own self. Being down and feeling like giving up is the hole in which we then reside once we've gone too long in that place. Climbing up out of the hole and getting our umph back seems like an impossible feat and one not even worth trying at times. So what needs to be done to get back to you? Pause, examine, and make some difficult decisions. Listen to what your subconscious is telling you, not what your surroundings and giving up self is muttering at you. It's hard to climb out when you're drowning in the impossible, so not focusing on all the drowning and instead looking at the reality and the choices available. Know that 'pushing through' is not always the right answer. You'll know this to be true if you still feel like hell after thinking that is your only option. Simply trudging forth into what knocked you down in the first place could be nothing more than your ego not allowing you the option of defeat for what you were trying. The only failure would be giving up altogether, not trying something different or walking away from what isn't healthy for you. Failure isn't acknowledging something isn't working and you either deciding it was not going to work because of xyz and trying something different or a different approach to the same end.

Inappropriate Dealings

It's easy enough to know how to "handle" someone who is inappropriate at times or that you are not 'entangled' with in relationship or work. But, "handling" someone who is inappropriate in continual, dysfunctional ways that you have to work with or relationship with is not always as obviously easy. I'm not talking bad jokes and foul language inappropriate because..well come on, that's my thing ;-) I'm talking about abuse of relationship inappropriate.

Case in point, a client that is continually berating you in a passive aggressive manner, in and out of the presence of other clients, can seem impossible to "handle". Here's why: Aggressively talking back at them does not work because they are being passive aggressive for a reason. They don't want to confront the real issues, and certainly aren't going to own them, so 'calling them out' is only going to get ugly, make the other clients feel awkward, and probably cost you a client or two. Playing their dysfunctional, passive aggressive game doesn't work either. They delight in getting to feel heard without being accountable, so this little duologue serves no real purpose, and is extraordinarily frustrating. Knowing why this person is the way they are, as well as knowing what their real issue is through all the passive aggressive bs is part of then knowing how to contend with their behavior in a functional way. Removing your own feelings of wanting to eviscerate them to avenge yourself is definitely a must. Now, you can practice your functional use of the Four Agreements in this unnecessary situation. Be direct not subtle. Say what you mean with no passive aggressive vagueness. Don't get into a whole allowance of them to continue bad behavior by dragging you into an argument. This shouldn't be an argument or an airing of grievances, but instead a tactful bottom-line of what will not be deemed acceptable in this relationship (a.k.a., your boundaries). Since you have arrived at them being passive aggressive for the reasons you did, and knowing that an argument with them is futile...also knowing that you cannot control another person (reaction, feelings, behavior, etc.), then your approach of tact and boundaries of the main issue is all you can do. Their reaction is probably to pout and tantrum, which is a whole other thing, but the same holds true in that actions equal consequences. Their actions may be the consequence to both of you of them having to leave your establishment, so before entering such a line in the sand you have to be willing from a business standpoint to pay that consequence for someone else's bad behavior.

The same strategies used above applies in all personal relationships, just with the absence of it being a business transaction, etc. Being true to your word, and in all things saying what you mean without pretense, vagueness, or passive aggressive nonsense. Owning your part in action and feelings. Setting your boundaries without being harmful. Harmful is different than being 'hurtful'. Since you cannot possibly control another's reaction or feelings, then you cannot possible be direct and tactful without some hurt involved. Being harmful is to be intentionally mean....saying more than is necessary to getting your point made or boundaries set. In resolution to any issue in relationship there is no need to draw blood.

Subconscious Struggles

Our subconscious is our barometer, our record keeper, and our no filtered feelings. Bad dreams and restless feelings and anxiety is one way our subconscious talks to our conscious minds when we are in conflict with ourselves or another. When we ignore our subconscious it only gets louder in its communication. As our record keeper, it holds onto everything we have been through in our lives and especially what we haven't yet worked through in our conscious minds. Our subconscious takes in everything around us and within us. The negative self talk and fears we harp on in our conscious minds is absorbed by the subconscious and becomes our reality. It is vitally important for both our physical and mental health to not only be true to our words and thoughts outwardly to others, but also internally to ourselves as our subconscious hears everything we tell ourselves and absorbs it as facts ... it holds onto to what we don't acknowledge and work through to conclusion keeping it as our reality until we do. 

All About Balance

from previous Post: Still Searching For Balance?

Balance is fleeting! We no sooner think we've found it and poof it's gone. Sometimes the stressors in a new situation can cause this poof, and sometimes we just get lax in our daily practices that achieve balance does it. Not overfunctioning or underfunctioning in our daily lives is a tricky little harmonization. The best course of action when it all seems "undone" is to sit quietly and make a list of everything on your plate...the big and little stuff. Break your list down into two lists of daily and long term, and then prioritize. Just having it all on paper and out of your head helps tremendously. Having set goals of everything in a reasonable timeframe frees up your mental traffic jam.

Balance

Overwhelmed?

To-Do's, Have To's & The Remainder

Little Bits At A Time

Okay so here's the deal, life & to-dos are overwhelming if we think about the whole list at once. Especially if we are adding in completely new balls to juggle! If we wait until the perfect timing, or our complete comfort with all that needs to be done, then we'll never even begin or complete. First, know there will never be a perfect "time". Second, know that there is no "perfect" anything. You might come close at times, but you're never going to accomplish "perfect" anything all or any of the time. Choose to accept that more than not "done" is better than "perfect", and "doing" is better than "waiting". Don't fall into the trap of beating yourself up along the way either of "I should be doing all this other too", or "I should just give up because I can't get all x,y,z done". Every day do what you can (legitimately try/do), and every day try to add one more item that gets left off or behind. "Adulting" is no different than exercise.....you have to warm up and practice the basics before you can add the more advanced moves. If you give up more than you practice the basic/daily tasks, the likelihood of you ever getting to the new or bigger parts of your to-dos is next to none (because you don't really want to if you aren't really trying). Harsh reality that everyone who has exercised for fitness or weight loss is, that you have to really, really want it to achieve it...because the discipline that it requires is not within the realm of reach if not for the desire to obtain it!

What You Give You Get

What you dish out, you receive in one form or another. Truth! You may not always reap your rewards or your consequences immediately, but believe me you will receive what you sow. With a grateful and cheerful heart you work in your relationships and your daily tasks and the reward will be your grateful heart and the lives you touch and in turn touch you. With a lazy disposition of taking whatever you can get and busting through life with the will of a rhino, and you will be unhappy and lonely and with little true happiness. Respect is earned not demanded. Happiness is from within and not given. True wealth is in having pleasure in life and not treasures stored up. We have the ability at any given point in time to change course and decide that how we are, where we are, who we are is not a have to but a choice. 

Don't Be Discouraged My Fellow Traveler

Yeah, life and adulting is hard! Yes, some of my posts are brutally, cut to the chase honest! I write what I know and what I have experienced....mostly the hard way! I continue to learn, fail, try again, learn some more, and share everything I know so far. I used to see the world, my circumstances, my options with a very black and white (no gray) lens of wrong and right. Guess what? There is a lot of gray to both right and wrong. Guess what else? When ego is gone, when pride has left the hide, when judgment and no longer doing just to please others has been exercised from your practice like a demon, then the world of gray turns into a vibrant rainbow of color options. Life turns into challenging instead of impossibly hard. Your daily life is better than a vacation because you live in peace. I'm not Pollyanna or Mary Poppins. I'm not selling you magic anything....it's still work, but rather than gruel you have a flavorful stew of tasks. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then the challenges in life are seen through whatever lens of growth you choose.....Choose wisely, because otherwise life is of little reward and all hard work and unhappiness!

Young At Heart

There are those young folks that are weathered and very difficult to be around, and then there are aged folks who are bouncy and happy to be around. To be young no matter your age is not to be immature and ridiculous, but to be full of life and a doer of life. Youth is from within, your very soul and nature, and has little to do with your birth year. A vibrant life is vibrant and radiates from within no matter the hardships or circumstances. To be youthful is not a special cream or a surgery or a tuck or an exercise. You obtain true beauty and youthful radiance from within!

Fear

Fear is an ugly little beast for sure. It prevents us from living fully every time we give into it. It's like a fatal disease that starts at the subconscious level until it's eaten through to our conscious mind. So here is a mantra: If you fear it, you must examine it. When you take fear out of your head where it eats away at you, and you examine what it really represents or from where it stems, then and only then can you conquer it....walk through it and do the thing you fear. Fear is nothing but negative self talking originating somewhere from our past, so deal with the why and you can then deal with the what. Unless, it's a death eating pit, then yes listen to your fear and don't do that thing ;-)

Consequences

Explaining consequences to children is "fun" (sarcasm), but explaining consequences to adults is tragic. There is a cause and effect to everything we do (good, bad, and indifferent). When we only think about ourselves, or the moment, or that it doesn't matter this time, then we certainly aren't thinking about the consequences to ourselves or to others. What you do matters. This is true for every action whether we see the effect to our cause presently or way in the future, it still remains. A child is fraught with easy examples of this. One such one would be them not listening when you tell them you all need to leave the house in 10 minutes, and then they are not ready (have to go to the bathroom, get dressed, put their shoes on, etc.), and then it takes 30 minutes to leave making you late for an appointment (or whatever). Very simple cause and effect, but there are much more serious ones that play out in relationships. So, here is the simple fix to cause and effect hazards:

• Do what you say you are going to do!
• Mean what you say...words mean something (see Websters for help)!
• Honor the other person whether in agreement or disagreement, there should be honor!
• Validate yourself, that's no one's job but yours alone!
• Laziness has no place in a relationship, as it's the cornerstone of complacency! 
• Listen as well as talk when communicating....'cause that's how conversations work!
• Talk with someone, not AT someone!
• Respect yourself because if you don't first, no one will, and that means you have to be respectable!
• Own your mistakes...we're all only human, apologize specifically and correct honestly!
• Be a doer and not just a taker! 
• "Intent" without "Action" is just a fairy tale, so figure out what your true intentions are, and then act on them...every time, or the time will pass!

What Marriage Is Not & What It Should Be

Marriage is not a free pass or a security blanket. All too often marriage is taken for granted with the mindset of complacency. Here's what I'm talking about: You get married and then you let yourself go and get lazy about fitness or eating habits, because you're married and your partner loves you no matter what so why try. Or, you stop being sexy and flirty or intimate and get all put out when there are complaints from your spouse, because you're married now so there is not effort needed ... you're partner will just have to deal 'cause your married ... you have a piece of paper that binds you after all. Or, you don't have to try and grow and be functional or appropriate with your spouse because you vowed 'til death do you part not realizing that the death of your relationship happens right when that complacency sets into your relationship. The lists and examples of how so many take advantage of the binding of marriage rather than the honoring of the binding of marriage are endless.

What marriage should be is the honoring of your vows every day. A renewing of your love every day. Every day should be a renewal and a vulnerability to your partner. Communication and an open heart are keys to not falling prey to the wedge of complacency. A marriage is no ego, no competition, no secrecy to lend to mistrust. A healthy marriage is one that is treated like it expires and will without effort and care and renewal daily....every day.

Don't Give Up

Believe me, I've been there, and recently too, but throwing your hands up in defeat and giving up because life is hard as hell is not the answer. More times than I can count, I've been at the end of my rope emotionally, physically, and mentally and wanted desperately to sit in a corner and stare at the wall in wonderment of how it has all gotten so difficult or gone so wrong. The victory is in the perseverance of it all. Truly! When I have bootstrapped up and pushed on (in a functional non-codependent way of course ;-) ) the rainbow unicorns sing at the accomplishment on the other side of hard as hell!!! Deep breaths, you got this too!!!

It's Just So Easy For Others

So something I hear a lot is "it's just so easy for you" to fill in the blank (eat healthy, exercise, balance life, do life, work, adult, etc., etc., etc.). What? Easy is not a word I'd ever use for me, my life, or what I deal with on a daily basis. I work really hard and fail a lot and pick myself up by the bootstraps a lot and work some more. The difference a good bit of the time is that I don't just sit waiting for someone else "to do" for me, so it looks like I just can breeze through anything. What's not seen is the internal struggle, the ongoing discipline, and the sheer will to push forward and through. It's not easy for me or for anyone to have discipline and just do our responsibilities and grow past our weaknesses. It's freakin' hard as all get out. It is however, the best way to learn, breathe, grow, earn, accomplish, and feel free, individual, at peace, and empowered. So, next time you're looking at someone else "doing" and you start to think that "you'd do that too, but it's just easier for them so you won't even try", know that's crap. If someone is accomplishing something and it looks easy, know it isn't. Know that what looks easy on the outside to a viewer takes just that much more discipline to do and not grumble about! Everything in life is a choice! You are either choosing the next right thing regardless of the amount of work involved, or you are a making an excuse as to why you can't, because it's just not as easy for you as those who choose the former.....

Realism vs Optimism & Pessimism

I proclaim very much to be a realist. I neither am optimistic or pessimistic. I neither see the glass half full or empty, but a glass that I have the ability to refill should I choose. Being realistic and logical takes the emotionality out of most thought processes. It can sound at times optimistic or pessimistic depending on the listener, but is very much a "just the facts, bottom-line, is what it is" assessment of any one given situation. All too often our emotional brain takes over in problems making it near impossible to arrive at good solutions. If you work through your emotions and feelings and then can part ways long enough to actually look at the problem at hand, a much more suitable solution will be presented. Key is though, you have to remove the "feelings" part long enough to look at the "real" part of any situation.

To Thine Own Word Be True

Where friends and family come together is where the stress of boundaryless relationships happen! Preempt such needless stress by the simple (and practice driven) task of being true to your word. What does this mean? It means not having to say you are sorry for saying something you didn't mean. It means not having to feel bad for talking behind someone's back. It means being intentional with the words that come out of your mouth. It means the dialogue in your thoughts and speech are true to what is in your heart. Does this mean you will always be accepted or "nice"....NO, but it does mean that you are kind and honest. It does mean that you are true to your beliefs and adhere to the Golden Rule. Think it's easy...you'd be wrong, but with practice it does become habit and in that it becomes easy. So, practice your honest, boundaryful, true to your word approach to all of your relationships as it will make your every day life much simpler ones!!!!

Frame of Mind

There are those days that just start off wrong and go way down hill from there. Then there are those days that start off awesome and then tank. Then happily there are the fabulous 'stars aligned' days that are great from start to finish. What's the key difference in the three? Frame of mind! You can be running late for a meeting and get stopped for a speeding ticket and still keep a good disposition if you don't fall prey to the "world's out to get you" approach to life. I'm not talking about burying your head in the sand and going through the motions numbly of "everything is great" when it isn't either. Shit happens, but being a shit is entirely optional. The spiral we all fall into at times is just that we allow our circumstances to dictate our outlook. We all do it. Mindfully practicing "in the scheme of things" thought processes helps you to reset and move forward with acceptance that any one circumstance is not the sum of all parts and allows for you to be happy even in a storm,

Learn, Grow, Repeat

I don't like when someone tells me 'what to do', but I love when someone shares with me their knowledge of what to do. None of us know everything, but it's the people continually seeking knowledge that know the most. There is never a time that I sit down and think to myself that I've learned all I need to know and that 'I've arrived and can relax now'. Just the opposite is true for me in fact. The more I learn, the more I know that I don't know....or something along the lines of that 'old saying' (as my son would say). My purpose is not to judge you or tell you what to do. We are all unique individuals walking walks of which we only share a small portion to another. To judge a whole building by peering into just one window would be foolish. To then tell someone how to go about 'fixing' their interior by only seeing a fraction of a room is pointless. When I coach, I speak from experience and education, but even at that am only effective to the degree the client allows me in the building (so to speak). I write my blogs on fitness, living, and Bible study not because I know everything or have experienced everything, but to share what I have thus far walked through and learned. I share the basic principles and knowledge of what I know through continuous study and experience to be true. It is up to the person reading or talking or working with me to then take what I offer and apply as it fits...or remold as they need based on where they find themselves. Me sharing my 'building' is not because it's finished, but because I'm happy to save you some time and some pain working on yours.

With Purpose

Have Tos and To Do Lists are not the enemy! Sure they can be daunting at times, but they serve more than just one purpose....they are not simply mountains or hurdles to climb....they give us purpose. The alternative to tackling your daily list would be what? Sitting and doing nothing? Part of the daily to dos should be taking time to mediate and enjoy life, so we're not talking about the absence of that even at our busiest. Being productive is not the lack of ease or enjoyment, but being lazy is (as well as not accomplishing anything). Sure we need those do nothing days, but that all the time is not a life or should be a goal to obtain. Live each day knowing you are living with a purpose and for a purpose beyond just the resentment of the many tasks at hand.

•    To Do's, Have To's & The Remainder
•    Overwhelmed?
•    Balance

Let Go Your EGO

So what's the single, one thing holding you back? Believe it or not, it's your ego. Think about how a two year old behaves, acts, reacts, etc., yep that's us in a nutshell, if we never let go of that ego....all the way let go. It's not money, looks, weight, haves or have nots that make us miserable, it's that beast within dictating our reactions and insecurities. It matters not what you have or do not have; what you can do or not do; where you are on this planet amongst the Milky Way that prohibits you from being your true self and happy....it's your two year old ego in your adult body! No ego you say? Believe it or not that's ego too. If you truly let go of your ego, you can live and breathe freely not mucking up your mind with what anyone thinks of your being. You can live the Four Agreements fully and honestly without constantly feeling bad about you. We are all a work in progress and continually needing to grow beyond our current state, but doing so for someone else to perceive us as wonderful isn't growth, it's ego and for the wrong reasons!

So What Are The Four Agreements

So What Are The 'Four Agreements'

I have referenced the Four Agreements a few times, so for those of you who don't know, they come from a book titled The Four Agreements written by Don Miguel Ruiz. They are basic and how I try my best to live. They are the same basic teachings from so many, Christ & Buddha included. The Four Agreements keep you honest, safe, happy, and functional:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
3. Don't Make Assumptions
4. Always Do Your Best 

Relationship Thermometer

What's the health of your relationship? If you are feeling emotionally disconnected and/or unhappy with yourself, then I can guarantee your relationship isn't connected or happy either. For a relationship to thrive beyond boundryful and functional communication, both partners need to be balanced, self-fulfilled, and happy with themselves individually first. Leaning and relying on your partner to sustain you and/or "make" you happy is a sure fire way to destroy long-term viability within your relationship. Your happiness, contentment, fulfillment, and growth are up to you and you alone. You walk with a partner and grow with a partner, but should not live through or at the hand of one.

Poor Me Rut

We've all had our "poor me" moments, but they should be very short lived. If you find yourself in that negative roundabout of being a poor me this and pitiful me that, then slap yourself out of it. It doesn't serve you. What are you getting out of that negative sad state anyway? It's obnoxious and only keeps you from progressing in a more positive, balanced life. Struggles are hard and evermore present, but there is happiness to be found regardless of the hardships. I'm not throwing the "find a silver lining" at you, just saying that even in the worst nightmares there is a glimmer of happiness and hope to cling to until the sun shines again. Only in finding that inner peace and positive rope will you be able to move beyond the hardship and into the solution!

Let It Go

Yes, seriously just let it go. No I'm not giving props to any song or trying to get it in your head, but "let it go" already! If you are struggling in anything, just realize that you have more power in any given anything than you are owning at the moment. You changing the way in which you are seeing, perceiving, understanding, reacting, etc., to any given moment is in your power to shift. Breathe, examine, shift, let go, move on, repeat! 

What Makes You You?

Ponder that for a moment....What really makes you you? Truly you? If you close your eyes and not consider anyone else or anything else, what makes you happy...your heart sing? So, so many times life gets in the way of our true happiness, our true selves. We then fall into thinking what we want out of life is wrong because it interferes with want others want from us. That's not okay or healthy for any of the relationships we find ourselves. The best of us should bring out the best of our relationships and if that's not the case then the very relationships themselves need to be examined as to why the limitations of self. 

Books For Your Journey

Books For Your Journey

• Moving Toward Balance by Rodney Yee
• King James Version Bible
• Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend
• Boundaries With Kids by Cloud & Townsend
• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
• The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, PhD
• The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
• The Fifth Agreement by Don Miguel & Don Jose Ruiz
• You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L Hay

Be Kind

No matter what your circumstance or dynamic, it's not okay to lash out in anger. Be kind always! Even if someone has wronged you greatly, your behavior is on you. In teaching my children, one in particular, what someone does is a reflection on them...how you handle it is a reflection on you. Someone can toil and toxically turn on you and it's still on you your reaction to them. Whether or not in the heat of the moment, you can ascertain their struggles. There is clearly one if they are misbehaving so badly, and you throwing grease on the fire helps no one...including you. While you may have a brief release, it comes with consequences. Just like superheros have to be careful and not abuse their powers, so do you have to honor what you know to be right from wrong action in all you do regardless!

Be Willing To PIVOT

Life is a two step for sure and for true. We learn as we go. Be willing to change course and pivot from what you've tried and failed. Failing is sometimes the best thing to get us to where we truly need to go. Something in your life not working out fully is not "failing" if there is a slight change in the approach or direction that would make it click better!

Bad Dating

So the approach of putting your best foot forward, showing the best parts of you, etc., when you are dating is so the wrong approach. The mindset of not letting a new friend or date (and potential mate) see all of you and hiding your worst qualities as long as you can, is a sure fire way to set up for a bad relationship. Why are you selling your future happiness short? So what if you find out early that you are not really going to work out with someone because you don't like their whole self or they don't like yours? Isn't it better to find out early, early on rather than too late and with much more heartbreak involved? Your best parts of you are the easy stuff for someone to love. A true test of a good match is finding a partner that isn't in-love with your icing, but your real, whole self. Put it out there and find who you will truly live happily ever after with for every layer you have!

Gratitude Always

You may not particularly like the circumstances or situation you are in currently, but to only complain and moan about it is to ignore the good that is also present. If you cannot be grateful for the blessings you have regardless of the less desirable surrounding, then you won't be opened to receive more. Think about a child who just received the ice cream cone she was pining for all day and then immediately starts asking for the next thing before it is even finished. The lack of full enjoyment and living in the present blessing regardless of whether or not everything else is perfection is what prevents anyone or anything from changing further because of the inward attitude of ungratefulness. Every parent out there knows this all too well in dealing with children's want, want, want, and disregard for what they just got, got, got. Gratitude always or your lack of appreciation will be an ongoing stumbling block....always.

Did I Ask?

My personal favorite (sarcasm) is when people give me their opinions and judgments on me without me asking for them. If I wanted their help with my life, I certainly would ask for it (more sarcasm). It used to really bother me, make me insecure, feel like I had to defend myself, or feel bad about myself, etc., when this would happen because the "type" who inappropriately throw their opinions around about other's lives unbidden are usually quite insulting and wrong. They usually are not even real friends or even know me or my life in any real way to even begin to make such assertions. We could go into why these folks do this behavior, but sufficed it to say they have issues of their own or they wouldn't be lording over others in the first place. Here's the thing about taking on such "meddling"....I take the opportunity to understand who this person is and whether I want them to continue in any capacity in my life. I listen to what is being said and decide at every turn how and when to redirect the conversation. I realize that this really isn't about me and therefore do not get argumentative or defensive. I own who I am and my choices and walk away with some introspection as to why I have made the choices I have made and determine the possibilities of future choices. If you "didn't ask", realize that it's not on you to engage in their behavior. 

You're Okay....

If there is one single solitary thing I wish I could give to everyone, it would be that of knowing that they are okay regardless of circumstance. In talking and working with the various people I do, I have been blessed completely in knowing that we are all the same regardless of race, religion, size, finances, location, etc. We all want to be accepted, understood, and have insecurities out the ying yang. We all stress about the same things albeit on different levels of severity. We are all capable of being beautiful well developed beings, if we are true to ourselves and work on our internal growth! Life is as difficult as we make it and our happiness isn't dependent upon anything but our outlook!! No one on this earth cares about the deep dark trappings of our minds that we are stroking to hide and protect. Let it go and grow....Be you and be truly happy! 

Complete & Healthy Living

I can without hesitation say that my daily foundation is Bible Study, and without it I would not have had the fitness success I have had or the mental/emotional growth and development I have had. I try to not put much of my spiritual beliefs on this site because whatever anyone's spiritual walk and belief is ... it is their own. I am a Christian, but one who looks into everything (Buddhism, etc.) to find the core truths and corresponding parallels. One form of belief does not nullify the basic matching teachings in another (don't throw the baby out with the bath water process of thinking). Daily Bible Study & Mental Self Examination & Growth might sound unrelated to balance and being physically fit, etc, but think about it this way....I start my days thinking about something outside of myself, outside of my problems and my little world. It puts my entire day and existence in perspective and provides me with the Grace and Direction I need to not stray too far from my journey (which as you can probably discern is more than just fitness).  Check out my other Blogs: http://www.veryeffective.blogspot.com/  &  http://veryeffectivescripture.blogspot.com/  for a more balanced approach to complete and healthy living (physically and spiritually). 

Hearing

If you've been practicing "listening" to others as opposed to running your own dialogue while they are speaking to you, then you are learning a lot about others. When we hear another, both what they are saying and what they are not saying, we learn who that person really is....what they are about and with what they are struggling. If the other is accusing and judging, a lot is learned about their insecurities and lack of growth. Most of the time what someone projects is 99% about them and not the issue or person for which they are vomiting on. Listen to learn....Hear to understand! 

Love, Respect, Honor & Trust

The cornerstones to a healthy relationship are Love, Respect, Honor, and Trust. Without all of these as the foundation, a relationship will not last. To love someone is awesome and also hurtful without the other three components in place. One cannot demand respect as it has to be earned through trust. There will be no honor without respect. Without trust, love will diminish. Each component builds on another and without one all is lost.

What You Do Matters! LOTS

What you do is vitally more important than what you say. That isn't to suggest our words are not important, because they most definitely are, as words mean something ... both what is stated and what is left out. Actions, however, are like pictures and speak louder and more voluminously than words. What you do, or do not do, in work, relationship, play, and body language relays who you are and what you stand for or against. To gain respect, love, honor, and even trust comes at the hand of action not words of intention! 

Don't Take It Personally

Here it is again: Don't Take IT Personally! When someone is telling you something, no matter the relationship dynamic (work, family, friend), our first inclination is to take it personally and make what they're saying all about us and how it impacts our feelings. Think about it....it's true, if you're honest. Think about this: When you speak aren't you wanting the other(s) to hear what you're sharing with them? Wouldn't you be annoyed if your feelings were not heard as being about you? Why then are you making someone else's feelings that they are sharing about you? Let's try an exercise in listening to what another person is saying rather than making everything so personal and about ourselves. Know who you are, work through your stuff, so when you interact with others....You are legit in your interaction!

Not Okay!

First, we all have issues and struggles that we are going through, working through. It's never okay to be inappropriate and/or abusive to another because of what you are going through in life!!! Situation in point, as an example:

I am a personal fitness trainer and interact with all kinds of folks going through all kinds of struggles. I accept a certain level of negative interaction because I understand that as people struggle through insecurities and hardships that they need a certain amount of latitude in those struggles. It can be taxing at times as I have my own "stuff" I'm struggling with, and having another encroach on my emotional boundaries adds a level of negativity that harms me. What's not allowed, or ever okay, is when someone abuses that latitude as a way to consistently feel better about themselves. Recently, I was faced with finally drawing a line with a particular client because of such an abuse of our relationship. Being verbally abusive, negative, derogatory, demeaning, etc., at another's expense is never okay for any reason! Doing so to make yourself feel better and okay is never appropriate! Accepting someone else's habitual (especially escalating) inappropriate behavior is not okay for any reason! Neither I, nor anyone, is ever helping the other person by allowing them to be inappropriate. 

Ridding Yourself

Just to clarify....When I say "rid yourself" of a situation, I'm never suggesting we should just dump people or relationships and run from any situation. I'm saying, don't continue in situations and/or relationships that are unhealthy. By "not continuing", it could be simply that you are not continuing in your participation of the unhealthy behaviors. Sometimes, yes, it is appropriate and necessary to exit dysfunctional and/or unhealthy situations/relationships, but it is always better to first try to change your interactions and "acceptance" of bad behaviors and see what results from that shift. Never run or dump before trying better solutions first.

Follow Up

So a comment from the Not Feeling It Post:

"I hadn't considered that angle in depth before. Why can I encounter one negative person, and it not affect me. Then encounter another such person and it completely drain me? Thinking that through, there's generally an unresolved something with person B. It might be a new boundary that I need to establish, but am fearing the conflict. Or, like you say, it might be a situation like work where it's not possible to assert those boundaries. I guess in those cases I'd have to have a hard look at why the negativity affects me. Is it because I'm feeling taken for granted? If so, why am I seeking my sense of self-worth from my job? If I have something else, a hobby, etc; from which I can feel accomplished, shouldn't the job become simply a revenue stream instead of an identity?
Or, is the work interaction truly an abusive situation? If so, steps should be taken to resolve that. Maybe some office politics have to be endured; or Human Resources involved. Or maybe it is time to get that revenue stream elsewhere.
So, is that soul-sucking feeling from a negative individual a warning sign that I'm allowing myself to operate in a victim place?"

Yes and Yes. I find that if I'm feeling "less than" or negative in most situations it is because I'm not using my voice, don't feel I have a voice, or my boundaries are being grossly violated. If you find yourself not "you"...ask yourself the whys. No situation or relationship should diminish your voice or your boundaries....ever. If it does, it needs to be greatly examined. 

Not Feeling It?

Let's say you find yourself in a good mood, productive happy place, and then are around someone(s) that alter that mood immediately. Ask yourself, is it an unresolved something or that person? There are more than one such someones in my life, and it's uncomfortable and unpleasant for such a negative cloud to immediately fall over me. It's difficult to have a conversation or even be any part of "me" but the most negative in those encounters. If you just aren't feeling yourself or feeling good about the other person, rid yourself of the situation if at all possible. Life is too short for such sacrifices of self! There of course are the situations and people we are seemingly stuck with for whatever reason (work, etc.). In the instances that are unavoidable in the present, do the best you can to be the best you regardless. Remaining true to yourself under such draining circumstances can truly be a test of your mad growth skills, but do your best because in this type of encounter it really is them and not you....

Forced Isn't Real

We all want to belong. Sometimes in that desperation to feel a part of something, we are apart from what matters. Be sure what you are doing isn't just undoing you and all of what you believe. You cannot force a situation or relationship, and why would you even want something forced? If you are having to force your will onto someone else without finding out why you are forcing it, and they are running, then it is not real for you or them. Further, if you are not interested in the "why", then you also don't really care more than your "want".

The Perceptions of Your Children

Your children not only hear everything you say (whether they act like they do or not), but they watch everything you do. Every little or big behavior you do, they see and absorb. Especially at young ages when you think it doesn't matter, it does, and they are already soaking in all of the ways you behave as the ways they will behave and who they will become. We can talk and preach and scold all we want, but until we change our very behaviors that we do not want them to mimic, they will keep on absorbing them.

Some examples:

If one parent routinely disregards and doesn't listen to the other parent, this sets the children up to disregard and not honor either parent. They are being taught through action what is acceptable and okay regardless of what is told to them to do. Do not misunderstand me, I'm not suggesting that any of this is "acceptable (ok) behavior". Acceptable behavior in relationships is what is allowed. If bad behavior is allowed, for whatever reason, then it becomes accepted by all in the relationship dynamic.

If a parent routinely reacts poorly to failure, even if it's just the toast burning, and the child sees either the self infliction of how inept they feel about themselves, or the anger and handling the feelings of anger badly, then the child will adapt this as their coping mechanism as well. Their self talk becomes what we teach them our self talk is...and their lack of anger management becomes what we show them ours is.

If a parent talks bad about themselves, feels bad themselves, then the child will also adapt these behaviors. And the lists go on and on.....

We need to honor ourselves for us, but also for our children! They desperately need to develop with a good sense of ownership of their thoughts, emotions, boundaries and how to express those healthily!! Love and care for you, so your children will love and care for themselves!!!

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly Is Good....

Let your children see your mistakes....the good, the bad, and the ugly. Kids benefit by not having a false sense of what life looks like. They need to know that you are not perfect. Even more, they need to know how to resolve, fix, move through all of what life is so they can do it when you're not there to clean up after them.

Showing yourself does not just apply to your children either. The best relationships are the ones in which you can be real, raw, unfiltered. Presenting a false self is a false relationship, and is way too difficult to maintain....Just be you always! No matter what that looks like. Here's a tip, if you think it's something you should hide from the world, perhaps it's something you should work on changing rather than hiding!!!

I Think I Can....I Think I Can....I Know I Can

So it's one of those days, weeks, daunting tasks and you find yourself with barely a loose grip on your bootstraps and more negative than positive thoughts are creeping in on all the reasons why you just can't do the massive whatever in front of you. Sometimes simply 'setting your jaw' and forcing yourself through it isn't the best or will always work. Sometimes the "think you can" train just isn't enough to push you through and over. In those moments, pause and breathe. There is something more going on than just the task at hand. For me, sometimes it's what that task represents that is what is unbearable more than the task itself. In those instances, I need to work through that symbolism before I can actually accomplish the task. To push through anyway would just perpetuate the ill will and me going against myself again. Know that you CAN do whatever, but should you in that state of mind?....perhaps not.

Clean Up Your Past

Is your past keeping you stuck in your present and preventing you from your future? Work through what you haven't let go from your past in order to function fully in your present and grow happily towards your future. Without working through your past whatevers, they constantly are a factor in your conversations and interactions of your present. They will continue to be the insecure and opened wound of any relationship until you resolve it within yourself. Resolution isn't always possible to obtain with the others involved. More than not the resolution must be about you reconciling what happened in the past (what happened, how you felt about it, how it hinders you now, how you can let go and move on). Letting go can only come about with understanding of the whats and hows of what happened then, so they do not have to keep coming up now. Closure and understanding are two entirely different beasts. Even if you cannot obtain closure from another, you can obtain closure from you fully understanding what happened, how you felt about it then, how you feel about it now...dissecting your ownership and the others (whether they own it or not, you knowing that the duck is yellow even if they continue to call it purple is what helps you). Remember that it's never about changing another ... just you for you!

Being Whole & Fulfilled

So let's say you are more or less healthy, more or less successful in your job, more or less "up" on matters of your home and family, and more or less happy ... Are you actually "whole"? What is it to be a whole, functional, happy person? Being whole does not mean that you have everything that you want in/from life, but rather that you are complete and satisfied and fulfilled. To be complete in yourself means you are not having to be fed from another..not seeking approval or acceptance from others. That because you are complete within yourself, you honor yourself and your physical and emotional boundaries and you do not go against yourself to get by in any relationship/situation.