Simple Understanding

Never begrudge anyone anything, especially their blessings.  If for no other reason, you never know when someone’s blessings are part of God’s plan for your blessings. 

Messy Is Okay

Messy is life! Life is messy! Looking like you have it altogether is fake. It's the false story we tell ourselves as we swim in the crap we've decorated it all in .... Life is messy. Period and end of story. Stop trying to make a pretty story and just work on making a pretty being. By pretty, I mean healthy and functional and a kind human being on the inside, as that's where true beauty resides. It matters not what the mess looks like as long as you are doing what you need to be doing and at the best level you have to offer and for the right reasons. That's all...just a reminder that it's messy ;-)

Happiness

Happiness is something you can't buy. It isn't something you long to happen to you. Happiness is always available to you because it comes from within you. You can find happiness in any horrible anything. It's your light that only you can extinguish. We put so much onus on happiness being something obtainable only once we achieve something.....rubbish. If you aren't happy being you in the worst of times, then you won't be happy when those moments pass. Find your inner peace and you will get to where you truly need to be....

What's The Freakin' Point?

Seriously! Why is this all so hard? Well, if you find yourself in one uphill climb after another then know that something is wrong. Fun, huh!?! Really though, I've been there, still get there some days. It's always because I'm trying to jam a square peg in a triangle hole, and that's never going to work out well. Get frustrated, get mad, but know that none of that is going to make a square fit in a triangle shaped hole. It's not the hole's fault...it's not the squares fault...they just don't fit. Problems, situations, relationships, are all the same way. Trying to force your will, desires, needs into a situation that isn't receptive isn't going to work. Uphill is the least of your problems. Take a breath and know that perspective is gained from a break you make. Take a moment to get clear in order to find your footing forward on more level ground. It's going to be okay, but not as long as you repeat what doesn't work!!!!

YOU Are Responsible For You

I've said it before, but I'll say it again and again....We are only responsible for ourselves! Our thoughts, feelings, perspectives, actions, reactions, bootstrap needs, happiness, etc. A relationship is a give and take, and while within a relationship there is some giving of any of the things we are personally responsible for....IT IS NOT FUNCTIONAL to depend on another person to DO YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES for you on an emotional or physical or financial anything. IF in a relationship both persons are giving and taking in a balanced healthy noncodependent way AND both are also doing for themselves as individuals, THEN that's perfect and helpful and functional and wonderful. But, when the scale tips and another becomes lazy and starts taking this gift for granted....well, my friend, that's when you need to readdress healthy boundaries and responsibilities of self and relationship before the whole thing goes past the point of salvage. 

When Pushing Through Is Wrong For Us....

Being responsible and accountable is good....going against yourself and doing more than your responsibilities consistently is not. Feeling resentment for imbalance when you're overfunctioning and wanting to quit and trying to determine if this is when you should just "bootstrap up" and push through even though 'you're so done' is bad and a definite no. Pushing through is wrong for us when what we're pushing through is wrong for us! You bootstrap and push through when you've fallen into a poor me rut and need to persevere into a can do (your legitimate responsibilities only) frame of mind. You stop and consider what's going on if what you're pushing through is a situation, relationship, work load, etc., that is codependently working on you doing more than normal, more than you should, functioning beyond your legitimate responsibilities. 

Stepping Back To Step Forward

It's so difficult to know when we are surrounded by impossibilities knowing when to step back versus trudging forward. I was brought up with a strong work ethic intertwined with a whole lot of dysfunctional non healthy codependent expectations, so for the majority of my life I chose just to trudge through whether it was a good idea or not because to not would be giving up or letting someone down...besides, I could take it as I was strong (willed). That's foolish! I continue to pay some very high prices for being codependent for all of those years.

In every situation, no matter how long the situation has gone on down a bad road, you always have a choice. A choice to decide to do it differently or not at all. Acknowledging that something isn't working out isn't a bad thing, but pretending a bad situation that isn't working out will magically fix itself is a tragic thing. Knowing that sometimes we have to step back or step away permanently is the only way to step forward into a better choice. That better choice may be a better path within the same situation, or it may be abandonment on a situation that wasn't going to ever work because it's not where or how we are supposed to be at that moment in time.

A work example: Being overextended in a particular work environment or career path thinking that it's a means to an end (promotion, favor, success) can be a good option in the short run, but when this piled up dysfunctional imbalance lasts for too long, and we begin to drown in it, then it's time to examine the pros/cons of this particular situation and determine the whys behind the actions, the gains versus the losses, as everything we do comes at some cost to us and to others. Stepping back in such situations can seem like a gamble, but only if you haven't thought it all through. In every choice, make them for the right reasons and own your choice. Know that there are consequences (both good and bad) for every action or nonaction you take (not making a choice is still a choice made...not acting is a choice). Stepping back from dysfunctional over extension (hours, work load, whatever it is) allows for you to step forward in a more productive manner and down a better path. It also could mean less money or loss of promotion, favor, success, or job, so you in your choice you have to decide the whys behind you choosing xyz (health factors, family time, to set boundaries from being misused, sanity, lack of desire in particular job and need to look at other paths, etc.). Sometimes just thinking through all the scenarios and ramifications is all we need to feel good about remaining in a situation we were previously miserable about. 

Beyond Codependency

If you've read Codependent No More and find yourself past the identification phase of codependency, a great resource for ongoing living and recovery are Melody Beattie's other books Beyond Codependency and The New Codependency.

Working through codependency is not a once and done thing. We get triggered and find ourselves repeating codependent behaviors, and at times relapsing back fully into codependency. It's a never ending growth journey that if we continue to work through can live life fully without just enduring life and others. Feeling empathy and compassion without taking on the role of caretaker for everyone we come in contact is possible. Living in the reality of our needs being important too, and our rights being just as valid as those triggering us to take care of only them can be your reality with practice. 

What Is Codependency

Excerpted from Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Characteristics of Codependent People

by Melody Beattie

• Caretaking: Codependents may:
  • think and feel responsible for other people for other people's feelings, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
  • feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
  • feel compelled almost forced to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
  • feel angry when their help isn't effective.
  • anticipate other people's needs.
  • wonder why others don't do the same for them.
  • find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.
  • not know what they want and need or, if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
  • try to please others instead of themselves.
  • find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others, rather than injustices done to themselves.
  • feel safest when giving.
  • feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
  • feel sad because the spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.
  • find themselves attracted to needy people.
  • find needy people attracted to them.
  • feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
  • abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
  • overcommit themselves.
  • feel harried and pressured.
  • believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
  • blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
  • say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.
  • believe other people are making them crazy.
  • feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
  • find other people become impatient or angry with them for all the preceding characteristics.
• Low Self-Worth: Codependents tend to:
  • come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families.
  • deny their family was troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional.
  • blame themselves for everything.
  • pick on themselves for everything, including the way they think, feel , look, act, and behave.
  • get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize the codependents something codependents regularly do to themselves.
  • reject compliments or praise.
  • get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise (stroke deprivation).
  • feel different than the rest of the world.
  • think they're not quite good enough.
  • feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing unnecessary or fun things for themselves.
  • feel rejection.
  • take things personally.
  • have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism.
  • feel like victims.
  • tell themselves they can't do anything right.
  • be afraid of making mistakes.
  • wonder why they have a tough time making decisions.
  • expect themselves to do everything perfectly.
  • wonder why they can't get anything done to their satisfaction.
  • have a lot of "shoulds."
  • feel a lot of guilt.
  • feel ashamed of who they are.
  • think their lives aren't worth living.
  • try to help other people live their lives instead.
  • artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others.
  • get strong feelings of low self-worth embarrassment, failure, etc. from other people's failures and problems.
  • wish good things would happen to them.
  • believe good things never will happen.
  • wish other people would like and love them.
  • believe other people couldn't possibly like and love them.
  • try to prove they're good enough for other people.
  • settle for being needed.
• Repression: Many codependents:
  • push their thoughts and feelings out of their awareness because of fear and guilt.
  • become afraid to let themselves be who they are.
  • appear rigid and controlled.
• Obsession: Codependents tend to:
  • feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
  • worry about the silliest things.
  • think and talk a lot about other people.
  • lose sleep over problems or other people's behavior.
  • worry.
  • never find answers.
  • check on people.
  • try to catch people in acts of misbehavior.
  • feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people or problems.
  • abandon their routine because they are so upset about somebody or something.
  • focus all their energy on other people and problems.
  • wonder why they never have any energy.
  • wonder why they can't get things done.
• Controlling: Many codependents:
  • have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing the codependents sorrow and disappointment.
  • become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
  • don't see or deal with their fear of loss of control.
  • think they know best how things should turn out and how people should behave.
  • try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
  • eventually fail in their efforts or provoke people's anger.
  • get frustrated and angry.
  • feel controlled by events and people.
• Denial: Codependents tend to:
  • ignore problems or pretend they aren't happening.
  • pretend circumstances aren't as bad as they are.
  • tell themselves things will be better tomorrow.
  • stay busy so they don't have to think about things.
  • get confused.
  • get depressed or sick.
  • go to doctors and get tranquilizers.
  • became workaholics.
  • spend money compulsively.
  • overeat.
  • pretend those things aren't happening, either.
  • watch problems get worse.
  • believe lies.
  • lie to themselves.
  • wonder why they feel like they're going crazy.
• Dependency: Many codependents:
  • don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
  • look for happiness outside themselves.
  • latch onto whoever or whatever they think can provide happiness.
  • feel terribly threatened by the loss of any thing or person they think provides their happiness.
  • didn't feel love and approval from their parents.
  • don't love themselves.
  • believe other people can't or don't love them.
  • desperately seek love and approval.
  • often seek love from people incapable of loving.
  • believe other people are never there for them.
  • equate love with pain.
  • feel they need people more than they want them.
  • try to prove they're good enough to be loved.
  • don't take time to see if other people are good for them.
  • worry whether other people love or like them.
  • don't take time to figure out if they love or like other people.
  • center their lives around other people.
  • look to relationships to provide all their good feelings.
  • lose interest in their own lives when they love.
  • worry other people will leave them.
  • don't believe they can take care of themselves.
  • stay in relationships that don't work.
  • tolerate abuse to keep people loving them.
  • feel trapped in relationships.
  • leave bad relationships and form new ones that don't work either.
  • wonder if they will ever find love.
• Poor Communication: Codependents frequently:
  • blame
  • threaten.
  • coerce.
  • beg.
  • bribe.
  • advise.
  • don't say what they mean.
  • don't mean what they say.
  • don't know what they mean.
  • don't take themselves seriously.
  • think other people don't take the codependents seriously.
  • take themselves too seriously.
  • ask for what they want and need indirectly--sighing, for example
  • find it difficult to get to the point.
  • aren't sure what the point is.
  • gauge their words carefully to achieve a desired effect.
  • try to say what they think will please people.
  • try to say what they think will provoke people.
  • try to say what they hope will make people do what they want them to do.
  • eliminate the word "no" from their vocabulary
  • talk too much.
  • talk about other people.
  • avoid talking about themselves, their problems, feelings, and thoughts.
  • say everything is their fault.
  • say nothing is their fault.
  • believe their opinions don't matter.
  • wait to express their opinions until they know other people's opinions.
  • lie to protect and cover up for people they love.
  • lie to protect themselves.
  • have a difficult time asserting their rights.
  • have a difficult time expressing their emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately.
  • think most of what they have to say is unimportant.
  • begin to talk in cynical, self-degrading, or hostile ways.
  • apologize for bothering people.
• Weak Boundaries: Codependents frequently:
  • say they won't tolerate certain behaviors from other people.
  • gradually increase their tolerance until they can tolerate and do things they said they never would.
  • let others hurt them.
  • keep letting people hurt them.
  • wonder why they hurt so badly.
  • complain, blame, and try to control while they continue to stand there.
  • finally get angry.
  • become totally intolerant.
• Lack Of Trust: Codependents:
  • don't trust themselves.
  • don't trust their feelings.
  • don't trust their decisions.
  • don't trust other people.
  • try to trust untrustworthy people.
  • think God has abandoned them.
  • lose faith and trust in God.
• Anger: Many codependents:
  • feel very scared, hurt, and angry.
  • live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry.
  • are afraid of their own anger.
  • are frightened of other people's anger.
  • think people will go away if anger enters the picture.
  • think other people make them feel angry.
  • are afraid to make other people feel anger.
  • feel controlled by other people's anger.
  • repress their angry feelings.
  • cry a lot, get depressed, overeat, get sick, do mean and nasty things to get even, act hostile, or have violent temper outbursts.
  • punish other people for making the codependents angry.
  • have been shamed for feeling angry.
  • place guilt and shame on themselves for feeling angry.
  • feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness.
  • feel safer with their anger than with hurt feelings.
  • wonder if they'll ever not be angry.
• Sex Problems: Some codependents:
  • are caretakers in the bedroom.
  • have sex when they don't want to.
  • have sex when they'd rather be held, nurtured, and loved.
  • try to have sex when they're angry or hurt.
  • refuse to enjoy sex because they're so angry at their partner.
  • are afraid of losing control.
  • have a difficult time asking for what they need in bed.
  • withdraw emotionally from their partner.
  • feel sexual revulsion toward their partner.
  • don't talk about it.
  • force themselves to have sex, anyway.
  • reduce sex to a technical act.
  • wonder why they don't enjoy sex.
  • lose interest in sex.
  • make up reasons to abstain.
  • wish their sex partner would die, go away, or sense the codependent's feelings.
  • have strong sexual fantasies about other people.
  • consider or have an extramarital affair.
• Miscellaneous: Codependents tend to:
  • be extremely responsible.
  • be extremely irresponsible.
  • become martyrs, sacrificing their happiness and that of others for causes that don't require sacrifice.
  • find it difficult to feel close to people.
  • find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.
  • have an overall passive response to codependency--crying, hurt, helplessness.
  • have and overall aggressive response to codependency--violence, anger, dominance.
  • combine passive and aggressive responses.
  • vacillate in decisions and emotions.
  • laugh when they feel like crying.
  • stay loyal to their compulsions and people even when it hurts.
  • be ashamed about family, personal, or relationship problems.
  • be confused about the nature of the problem.
  • cover up, lie, and protect the problem.
  • not seek help because they tell themselves the problem isn't bad enough, or they aren't important enough.
  • wonder why the problem doesn't go away.
• Progressive: In the later stages of codependency, codependents may:
  • feel lethargic.
  • feel depressed.
  • become withdrawn and isolated.
  • experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.
  • abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
  • feel hopeless.
  • begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.
  • think about suicide.
  • become violent.
  • become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
  • experience an eating disorder (over- or undereating).
  • become addicted to alcohol and other drugs.

The preceding checklist is long but not all-inclusive. Like other people, codependents do, feel, and think many things. There are not a certain number of traits that guarantees whether a person is or isn't codependent. Each person is different; each person has his or her way of doing things. I'm just trying to paint a picture. The interpretation, or decision, is up to you. What's most important is that you first identify behaviors or areas that cause you problems, and then decide what you want to do.