Day 17 Why The Debate?

"Pearls before swine" much? Harsh I know, but here's the thing....if you're dug into your side and the person you are verbally throwing down in debate is dug into their side....exactly what is being accomplished here? Whether it is politics, religion, eating habits, relationship stuffs, etc., you are not going to change someone's mind by being the loudest in the conversation. Nope, never, not once! If anything, you just make the other person dig in deeper to their view of things. Try this instead: Have a conversation, but if the other person is a horse's ass, then listen for what and where they are....toss in some lines of truth, but don't debate them....and walk away when you can as it's really all you can do to not also become a horse's ass. It's not up to you to change anyone...just work on yourself and let the chips fall where they may regarding another's journey. And besides, you may be wrong in your current view of the truth. That's the real rub, for to concentrate on truth, you have to be willing to look at all sides and not stay just beholden to what you've always thought. You may be right .... but you may be wrong.....(life in song is always the best...name that tune)!

Day 16 Hope vs Faith

Hope is not faith. Faith is believing in something is going to be just because you know it will. Hope is thinking something might be just because you really wish it would. You can have faith in something and be let down and disappointed. That's the punch with faith....Unless, you realize that we were sprinkling hopeful wishes in with our faith. Faith and hope go hand in hand all too often, and the setbacks can be very damaging when we do this without dissecting which is which. Know that just because you really want something to be the reality doesn't make it so, it makes it hopeful. Hope gets crushed when it doesn't come to fruition. But, sometimes not getting what we hoped for gets us to a better more real place in faith!

Day 15 Measuring Progress

Measuring progress of any kind can be tricky. Sometimes it's even unmeasurable regardless of time put into it. I am a very goal oriented person, and like anyone, I like to see the fruits of my labor. So try this, don't let the visible outcome be what you strive for most....Rather, let the focus be on your "balance factor". How do you feel with your habit changes? Better, worse, indifferent. If you feel "less than" when changing a lifestyle factor/habit, then you need to assess the why. Do you feel ick because of external factors, or because you don't see the point, or because you expected more unicorns from your efforts??? Sometimes we put too much emphasis on magical occurrences because we have arrived at a change of habits/heart/mind/actions that was particularly challenging for us to reach. Your change, provided it's for the betterment of you for solid reasons, should be reward enough. Your internal dialogue should be yang'ng all over the place; but if not, then something might be amiss. You might be changing for external factors (to please someone, etc.) and not for the right reasons. It could just be that you feel you are having to meet/reach some standard you (or some idea of you from an external force) has put on you. Either way, you need to find a corner and sort through it. Measure your progress by how balanced you feel in the unseen of it all!

Day 13 & 14 Actions Through Change

Making lifestyle changes of any kind regardless of physical or mental changes are not always visible (not always externally noticeable). The difference made within ourselves isn't always measurable outwardly for long periods of time. If you're in the place of needing others' acceptance or approval, then this can sidetrack your sticking with any such change. Know that real change is in both perspective and action. Real change based on outside reinforcement isn't going to be long lasting change(s), and your default lifestyle will be what will remain your situation. For better habits (physical and thought), shift your motivations from needing ego boosts from others to that of simply doing what you've determined is healthy for you without 'atta boys'. Once you let go of that ego in the wind mindset, your lifestyle changes will be much more attainable without burden.

Day 12 Roll With It

The rip roaring tidal waves of life can drown us if we don't learn to roll with them. Fighting against the challenges of life is a natural instinct, but not one that serves us in any real way. Just go with the flow regardless of how violent that flow might be and we come out of it much better. And, by going with the flow, I mean be flexible enough to tackle what is before us without letting it destroy our progress and derail our boundaries/self in the process. 

Day 11 Oversharing

Because of the household I grew up in, where we weren't allowed to share our truth (about us or anything going on with us in our household), I almost overshare because I can. In adulthood, it is very important to me to be who I am with everyone and not have the inside the house self vs what the outside world gets to see self, like how I grew up (typical of emotionally or physically abusive homes). In the past year, I've come to realize that me being opened about who I am, and my experiences, isn't oversharing. Why? Because there is a lot I don't say or share. Not because I'm hiding anything, but because my whole self is not something everyone gets to be a part of, or is entitled to. What I mean by this is not everyone is invited to your whole life/soul. You get to decide what parts of you to share and how many details for which you share with the world (people around you). You have your close circle for whom you know you can trust your whole self with, and for everyone outside that circle, their behavior dictates how and what you disclose. Not everyone is trustworthy or has your interest at heart, and no one is entitled to all your footnotes. It is an honor when we are invited in to someone's circle. That honor should be protected! Adherence to boundaries, functional appropriateness, and trust are the hallmarks for such an honor. 

Day 10 Battle Scars

We all have external "scars" that reflect those deeper internal ones. I've been through the mindset in the past of trying to hide such scars (issues) as if there is some shame to having them. Sure they make me flawed, but I am flawed. Sure they make me less "airbrushed" acceptable, but everyone is. My scars tell the story of my life, and are my well-earned badges for overcoming struggles, or just of life lived. Surgery scars, accident scars, disease affliction, stretch marks, etc., all tell our stories.

For example, I have vitiligo, which is an autoimmune that has a visible element to it, in that it bleaches out my skin permanently in random patterns all over my body. When I was a child, I was always olive skinned tan year round. This wasn't from "tanning", but from old school playing outside constantly. My daughter takes after me in her outdoor preferences and tanned, freckled face appearance. For years after getting vitiligo, I purposely kept from getting tan, and therefore not outside as much as I would like, because the paler I stay, the less the vitiligo is noticeable. Silly! I love being outside, and I love the freckles I get when I'm outdoors and tan from activity. It reminds me of the good of my childhood. To stay away from something I love just to make a disease I have less obvious is no longer something I'm willing to do. Life is too short to hide anything about us, especially when we can find joy in the hard of it all. My vitiligo "scars" are part of where I've been. Tan or not, I have been through and overcome. I'm not hiding what my body has been through in my many battles and experiences. My "scars" are my badges earned. 

Day 9 Focus

Focusing on the "dislikes" of anything (diet, situation, person, etc.) prohibits new found "loves" (interests, passions, etc.)! My passions have all been born from less than ideal scenarios and pain. Such an example would be my passion for physical and mental fitness stems from sickness and dysfunction. If not for my experiences with my mother (dysfunction and her cancer), then I would not have been through the pain, but nor would I have the knowledge, love, and abilities I do now to share and help myself, those I love, and anyone interested in what I offer through my writings, etc. Dislikes can become better opportunities if you steer clear of focusing on the simple "bad" of it. Maybe just a different take on lemons to lemonade, but it works for me!

Day 8 Letting Go

It does not ultimately matter what got me here (health crisis, etc.) ... I have to let go the cause beyond dealing with my participation (ownership, correction, etc.). I'm here and to dwell on the whys (beyond assessing and learning from them) will only keep me stuck and chained in a toxic hell. To heal, grow, and move forward, you have to let go of the wouldas, couldas, shouldas....there is no going back! Accept what was and go forward leaving the baggage behind only taking the lessons learned with you!

Days 6 & 7 Identity

The parts of my personality that has changed over the years have not been changes to my identity. Your identity never changes. Who you are is who you are. In that, people don't ever change. What does change is the shedding of the adaptive behaviors, coping skills, codependent attributes necessary to survive dysfunctional, abusive relationships/situations for which I/we become immersed. Every coin has two sides and to that end so too do any personality/identity traits. For example some folks have an addictive personality, but that in and of itself is not a bad trait to have. When you're in a functional core relationship, addictive traits are the side of the coin of being on top of things (such as nutrition, workouts, house, etc.). It is when that same trait is exposed to dysfunction/abuse (over time), that it flips to less desirable means (such as overeating, drinking, drugs, lack of self-care to the extreme, etc.). Each and every core identity trait has a yin (passive, negative) and a yang (active, positive). If you're yin'ing more than you're yang'ing, then pause to look at your environmental cause(s) for which you are reacting. Changes will need to be made for you to yang! 

Day 5 Bent, But Not Broken

Over the course of my 43 years on this earth, I have been brought to my knees many times, beaten down to the point a handful of times for which I thought I was permanently broken. I wasn't broken because my spirit was never broken. You can get knocked down, nearly knocked out, rock bottomed out, but as long as you don't allow you or someone else to break your spirit...you're not broken beyond repair. Repair comes in small steps away from the wreckage and forward into something better than before!

Having recently been in one of those handful of occurrences when I thought I might actually completely break this time, that place of utter broken despair, the wounds are still fresh. The fight for survival is still in the baby steps forward, but I'm back up. Not full strength, but the spark to get there is lit! From feeling that there is nothing hopeful anymore, all hope gone, my fight lost, to now remembering what I am fighting for and knowing that while I can be knocked to my knees, I will never be fully broken!!! 

Day 4 Gratitude

A practice in gratitude and acceptance: Finally feeling well enough to start back working out and running. On my first run in almost a year, my first reaction was of happiness to be outside among nature and the early morning atmosphere. Only to fall prey briefly to the overwhelming disappointment of having lost so much ability, so much hard work, so much ground. The starting back mantra of lamenting not being where I once was and knowing the work involved with getting back there. Ugh! This, for me, was fleeting and replaced with extreme gratitude for finally being back in a place my body would allow for such an activity! Grateful for the chance to work toward getting back to good health and a strong body. Sure, I could stay defeated, but to what purpose would that serve? I am capable of the fortitude to once again achieve my fitness goals and very humbled and joyful to once again have the opportunity to regain my health.

Gratitude is being thankful for what you do have. It is not head in the clouds (or the sand) and not looking at the whole of the situation. It is knowing the reality and being grateful for the good in the reality. The bad is enough without dwelling on it and drowning out the joy to be had for the good, the blessings, the rainbows. Without acknowledging the joy and being thankful for it, then misery is where you will reside!

Day 3 Challenges

Challenges grow us, but only if we allow them. Fighting a crisis (i.e., challenge) is futile, yet that is what most do either through avoidance, victim whining, hostility, or denial. Know before facing down any challenge that it's okay to fail. To not fail is to not grow, learn, overcome. Failure is only a horrible event if you don't learn from it. Learn why it didn't work and then figure out a better way. There is always a better way...and sometimes that way is a different path altogether. Go beyond just problem identification to problem solving.

Fair is a pitfall to avoid when looking at any challenge. There is no such thing as fair. Life itself isn't fair for anyone. Fair is a self-centered perspective and a pointless argument. Fair to whom? Only from one's own vantage point is "fair" ever assessed and in that it's only fair to them. Let go of the fair factor and just address the situation at hand.

Avoiding victim "poor me" states is necessary to overcoming anything! We have to own our participation in a situation; understand what is in our control and what is not; problem solve for what is in our control beginning with our attitude, perspective, and boundaries. Being in an emotional reactive state of everything being done to us lends itself to victim identity. Emotional or reactive behavior is just identifying that there is a problem, inconvenience, discomfort. To stay in the place of tantrum and protest never solves anything, grows us, or negates the negativity surrounding us. Rather, identification should move toward understanding and motivation to solve/resolve. Regardless of any outside forces at play, we always have a choice of how we act/think. We always have control over ourselves and our boundaries.

Contending with and overcoming a challenging situation (crisis/problem) is the difference between "it's hard, but I can do it" versus "I can't and I won't" (unable versus uncomfortable). The realization and understanding that solutions aren't always to our advantage, but can always be an opportunity of growth/experience is how you can successfully navigate through any challenge while firmly staying clear of victim, no fair wallowing. Learn the whys and you can problem solve anything! Challenge accepted!!!

Day 2 Self Acceptance

Accepting oneself means you have to know yourself. Admit who you are completely unmasked. No excuses, fully owning who you are (your identity...what makes you tic toc for you...not others, not environment, not survival, not preferences, but your drive, your essence), why you do, react, participate, allow behaviors and circumstances, own your mistakes, own your flaws, fully OWN YOUR BEING!

Here's what I see fundamentally driving people's insecurities and impulse to mask who they are to the world (and to themselves), they don't dig to find their identity beyond what dysfunctional, toxic external forces have environmentally molded their behaviors into thinking that is their identity. The younger the "masking" starts the more difficult to move towards acceptance. We all want to be heard, understood, regarded, but in the absence of all of this (as is what happens in toxic relationships/environments), if we know who we are, if we accept who we are, then we can survive, thrive, and grow beyond where we are.

So what the hell am I babbling on about? Simple, girls are brought up on the sliding scale of the majority to "fit in" by wearing certain clothes, having certain figures, "acting" (and masking is all about fake, acting, pretending) a certain way, engaging boys and girls with this bs bravado that all the sitcoms and movies portray as glamorous (etc,. gag, etc.) by illustrating the funny in the dysfunctional and posh materialistic reward to the most masked. So, we pierce, paint, dress, put our "public costume" on, deprive our sense of self, beat up on ourselves for lacking "the standard", and reject ourselves. Tada a perfectly repulsive, empty, shell of misery. This doesn't just apply to females, but males alike. Let's instead teach what makes a person beautiful. The mind and spirit of each unique one of us is beautiful, but only if we stop tainting it with the fake. Teach the young to grow their minds, their souls, their bodies with proper nutrition and fitness and hygiene, to self-accept and be who they are. It's in one's strength, character, uniqueness that makes them appealing, beautiful, stable. It is not the latest whatevers, make up slathered to unrecognizable, hair done beyond cosplay necessary. If you're hollow, then no amount of masks will ever get you or anyone else to accept you beyond the fake that you become.

Am I suggesting we be plain as dirt? No! I'm saying do whatever makes you you for realz. Makeup, bedazzle, color and dye away for an event, work, or because you want to play dress up, but stop short of having to do it to be acceptable to you or anyone outside of you. Express yourself without rejecting yourself! Stop trying to fake yourself to be anything other than you. Be you...Accept you...and until you can accept the bare naked reality of who you are, then maybe it's time to rehab the masks!

Masks aren't just the costumed appearance we shell ourselves in to be accepted (if you haven't gotten that I'm saying this isn't healthy or necessary, then reread above), but also all the other materialistic possessions we go into debt to verbally showcase about to feel like we fit in without anyone actually getting to know you. It's a slide of hand trick between equally masked people. For what? If you are accepted into such a group, they are accepting your costume, not you because they don't know you (and maybe you don't know you either).

Yes, I'm on a tangent. Many reasons why...here are a few: Seeing little adolescent girls flitting about like Hollywood glam street walkers because that's what they think is "girlie" pretty. Beautiful spirits whom I've met over the years who want to change their weight because they don't feel acceptable. Trying to convince them of the person I see when I talk with them is who they are and they are beautiful as they are. Wanting to change an appearance for the right reasons (health, just because you like it, makes your heart sing, etc.) is fine (great), but doing it for the wrong reasons of self-loathing is never okay. Little girls rejecting their identities because they think it is not the world view of feminine, so they deny who they are and fake who they aren't. Children growing up unhealthy with little to no understanding of how to take care of their health or hygiene and think (by the examples around them) that just a little makeup, designer clothes, hairstyles is going to fix their pain or make them accepted.

Let kids be kids, figure out who they are so they can accept who they are. Teach them good health and hygiene through example of self-care instead of self-loathing. Let them accept themselves with no masks before letting them play permanent dress up. Sit down with yourself and have an honest sob fest about who you are and what you've spent your life running from so you can accept yourself and feel good about who you are unmasked. The only ugly I've ever encountered in my life wasn't someone over weight or in less than the materialistic whatever, but the ugly is the hollow, mean, manipulative abusers. Beauty is from within and no amount of hardships or less thans can take away your beauty! Express who you are, however you want....Just express the real you! You don't have to do anything but be you to be loved by the right people for you!!!

Day 1 Acceptance

Acceptance can be a bear! Sometimes being "happy" where you are while working to where you want to go can be a thorny existence. Especially when other people's (external forces) pull against you getting to a mental headspace of accepting your current reality and/or actively sabotage your efforts to get to a destination beyond your present reality. The thing is that there is joy and happiness to be had in each moment and circumstance regardless of external forces, even in the worst present realities.

If all we are looking at is the struggle, then we miss out on the joy to be had along the way of any journey. Joy, happiness, peace, balance do not occur often if we only "feel" it in times of easy, reward, everything how we want it states ('cause those are rare states indeed). It is very much an internal outlook accessible anytime, anywhere, regardless of situation. Gratitude begets peace. Perspective begets balance. Responsibility - Ownership - Growth begets joy. Acceptance of reality sans the "victim" state begets the ability to be grateful, acquire perspective outside yourself, and grow beyond yourself and any present reality.

My mantra at the moment is: --Do not fall in the paradox of what you do not possess possessing you-- I don't possess anything beyond myself. I am only responsible for myself (thoughts, actions, habits, growth, understanding, knowledge, etc.). Anything material or another person is not in my ability to change. Allowing someone else's script, motives, dysfunctional behavior, manipulations, has no bearing on me (or within me) if I disallow it. My boundaries are important and my identity should be protected. I am worth as much effort as I put toward anyone/anything else, and I am happy with where I am while still striving to get to a better destination (health, growth, understanding, balance). I can want change (internal/external) and still find peace, beauty, balance, gratitude, perspective, and joy within my current existence! 

90 Days & Beyond

To say that I have been under intense personal construction and refinement these past months is an understatement. The choice to "not write" on any of my blogs for the majority of that time was necessary for me to get to where I needed to land on my physical, mental, emotional, spiritual feet. The depth of my understanding gained has been worth the obstacles. The full impact of which I am still trying to absorb fully. While I would like to jump right into where I left off, I am instead going to veer differently than previously planned for a time before getting there. Across all of my blogs (fitness, living, scripture), I am going to share my 90 days journey and ask that you follow me on your own. 90 days to a healthier life physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Start where you are and see where you land!

90 Days To Better "Living" Plan I am beginning my 90 days today, not because I am ready, but because I know I will never have the ability or time without just doing it. But, you can begin yours tomorrow, next week, or when you can set your mind to begin, fully ready or not. Below is a list of books that have helped me on my journey to healing, understanding, and self-development. Choose one or more (or different) to tackle on your 90 day journey. I will be posting thoughts and feelings of my fitness and scripture journeys as they impact my daily functional living (self repair, self care, balance in relationships and family, etc.). This will be only a slightly different approach for the 90 days regarding how I deliver my lessons and journey in hopes that it encourages and helps you on your path. Make time for your health (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) and surprise yourself with your abilities!!!

Check out my other 90 day challenges at http://veryeffective.blogspot.com/ and http://veryeffectivescripture.blogspot.com/

Follow my Facebook Page for further encouragement at https://www.facebook.com/Very-Effective-Fitness-501193266624220/

Recommended Reading List For Self Discovery & Growth

• Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend
• Boundaries With Kids by Cloud & Townsend
• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
• Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie
• The New Codependency by Melody Beattie
• The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, PhD
• The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch
• The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
• The Fifth Agreement by Don Miguel & Don Jose Ruiz
• You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L Hay
• Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton
• Stop Walking On Eggshells by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger
• Understanding The Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson
• Why Is It Always About You? by Sandy Hotchkiss