What Marriage Is Not & What It Should Be

Marriage is not a free pass or a security blanket. All too often marriage is taken for granted with the mindset of complacency. Here's what I'm talking about: You get married and then you let yourself go and get lazy about fitness or eating habits, because you're married and your partner loves you no matter what so why try. Or, you stop being sexy and flirty or intimate and get all put out when there are complaints from your spouse, because you're married now so there is not effort needed ... you're partner will just have to deal 'cause your married ... you have a piece of paper that binds you after all. Or, you don't have to try and grow and be functional or appropriate with your spouse because you vowed 'til death do you part not realizing that the death of your relationship happens right when that complacency sets into your relationship. The lists and examples of how so many take advantage of the binding of marriage rather than the honoring of the binding of marriage are endless.

What marriage should be is the honoring of your vows every day. A renewing of your love every day. Every day should be a renewal and a vulnerability to your partner. Communication and an open heart are keys to not falling prey to the wedge of complacency. A marriage is no ego, no competition, no secrecy to lend to mistrust. A healthy marriage is one that is treated like it expires and will without effort and care and renewal daily....every day.

Don't Give Up

Believe me, I've been there, and recently too, but throwing your hands up in defeat and giving up because life is hard as hell is not the answer. More times than I can count, I've been at the end of my rope emotionally, physically, and mentally and wanted desperately to sit in a corner and stare at the wall in wonderment of how it has all gotten so difficult or gone so wrong. The victory is in the perseverance of it all. Truly! When I have bootstrapped up and pushed on (in a functional non-codependent way of course ;-) ) the rainbow unicorns sing at the accomplishment on the other side of hard as hell!!! Deep breaths, you got this too!!!

It's Just So Easy For Others

So something I hear a lot is "it's just so easy for you" to fill in the blank (eat healthy, exercise, balance life, do life, work, adult, etc., etc., etc.). What? Easy is not a word I'd ever use for me, my life, or what I deal with on a daily basis. I work really hard and fail a lot and pick myself up by the bootstraps a lot and work some more. The difference a good bit of the time is that I don't just sit waiting for someone else "to do" for me, so it looks like I just can breeze through anything. What's not seen is the internal struggle, the ongoing discipline, and the sheer will to push forward and through. It's not easy for me or for anyone to have discipline and just do our responsibilities and grow past our weaknesses. It's freakin' hard as all get out. It is however, the best way to learn, breathe, grow, earn, accomplish, and feel free, individual, at peace, and empowered. So, next time you're looking at someone else "doing" and you start to think that "you'd do that too, but it's just easier for them so you won't even try", know that's crap. If someone is accomplishing something and it looks easy, know it isn't. Know that what looks easy on the outside to a viewer takes just that much more discipline to do and not grumble about! Everything in life is a choice! You are either choosing the next right thing regardless of the amount of work involved, or you are a making an excuse as to why you can't, because it's just not as easy for you as those who choose the former.....

Realism vs Optimism & Pessimism

I proclaim very much to be a realist. I neither am optimistic or pessimistic. I neither see the glass half full or empty, but a glass that I have the ability to refill should I choose. Being realistic and logical takes the emotionality out of most thought processes. It can sound at times optimistic or pessimistic depending on the listener, but is very much a "just the facts, bottom-line, is what it is" assessment of any one given situation. All too often our emotional brain takes over in problems making it near impossible to arrive at good solutions. If you work through your emotions and feelings and then can part ways long enough to actually look at the problem at hand, a much more suitable solution will be presented. Key is though, you have to remove the "feelings" part long enough to look at the "real" part of any situation.

To Thine Own Word Be True

Where friends and family come together is where the stress of boundaryless relationships happen! Preempt such needless stress by the simple (and practice driven) task of being true to your word. What does this mean? It means not having to say you are sorry for saying something you didn't mean. It means not having to feel bad for talking behind someone's back. It means being intentional with the words that come out of your mouth. It means the dialogue in your thoughts and speech are true to what is in your heart. Does this mean you will always be accepted or "nice"....NO, but it does mean that you are kind and honest. It does mean that you are true to your beliefs and adhere to the Golden Rule. Think it's easy...you'd be wrong, but with practice it does become habit and in that it becomes easy. So, practice your honest, boundaryful, true to your word approach to all of your relationships as it will make your every day life much simpler ones!!!!

Frame of Mind

There are those days that just start off wrong and go way down hill from there. Then there are those days that start off awesome and then tank. Then happily there are the fabulous 'stars aligned' days that are great from start to finish. What's the key difference in the three? Frame of mind! You can be running late for a meeting and get stopped for a speeding ticket and still keep a good disposition if you don't fall prey to the "world's out to get you" approach to life. I'm not talking about burying your head in the sand and going through the motions numbly of "everything is great" when it isn't either. Shit happens, but being a shit is entirely optional. The spiral we all fall into at times is just that we allow our circumstances to dictate our outlook. We all do it. Mindfully practicing "in the scheme of things" thought processes helps you to reset and move forward with acceptance that any one circumstance is not the sum of all parts and allows for you to be happy even in a storm,

Learn, Grow, Repeat

I don't like when someone tells me 'what to do', but I love when someone shares with me their knowledge of what to do. None of us know everything, but it's the people continually seeking knowledge that know the most. There is never a time that I sit down and think to myself that I've learned all I need to know and that 'I've arrived and can relax now'. Just the opposite is true for me in fact. The more I learn, the more I know that I don't know....or something along the lines of that 'old saying' (as my son would say). My purpose is not to judge you or tell you what to do. We are all unique individuals walking walks of which we only share a small portion to another. To judge a whole building by peering into just one window would be foolish. To then tell someone how to go about 'fixing' their interior by only seeing a fraction of a room is pointless. When I coach, I speak from experience and education, but even at that am only effective to the degree the client allows me in the building (so to speak). I write my blogs on fitness, living, and Bible study not because I know everything or have experienced everything, but to share what I have thus far walked through and learned. I share the basic principles and knowledge of what I know through continuous study and experience to be true. It is up to the person reading or talking or working with me to then take what I offer and apply as it fits...or remold as they need based on where they find themselves. Me sharing my 'building' is not because it's finished, but because I'm happy to save you some time and some pain working on yours.

With Purpose

Have Tos and To Do Lists are not the enemy! Sure they can be daunting at times, but they serve more than just one purpose....they are not simply mountains or hurdles to climb....they give us purpose. The alternative to tackling your daily list would be what? Sitting and doing nothing? Part of the daily to dos should be taking time to mediate and enjoy life, so we're not talking about the absence of that even at our busiest. Being productive is not the lack of ease or enjoyment, but being lazy is (as well as not accomplishing anything). Sure we need those do nothing days, but that all the time is not a life or should be a goal to obtain. Live each day knowing you are living with a purpose and for a purpose beyond just the resentment of the many tasks at hand.

•    To Do's, Have To's & The Remainder
•    Overwhelmed?
•    Balance

Let Go Your EGO

So what's the single, one thing holding you back? Believe it or not, it's your ego. Think about how a two year old behaves, acts, reacts, etc., yep that's us in a nutshell, if we never let go of that ego....all the way let go. It's not money, looks, weight, haves or have nots that make us miserable, it's that beast within dictating our reactions and insecurities. It matters not what you have or do not have; what you can do or not do; where you are on this planet amongst the Milky Way that prohibits you from being your true self and happy....it's your two year old ego in your adult body! No ego you say? Believe it or not that's ego too. If you truly let go of your ego, you can live and breathe freely not mucking up your mind with what anyone thinks of your being. You can live the Four Agreements fully and honestly without constantly feeling bad about you. We are all a work in progress and continually needing to grow beyond our current state, but doing so for someone else to perceive us as wonderful isn't growth, it's ego and for the wrong reasons!

So What Are The Four Agreements

So What Are The 'Four Agreements'

I have referenced the Four Agreements a few times, so for those of you who don't know, they come from a book titled The Four Agreements written by Don Miguel Ruiz. They are basic and how I try my best to live. They are the same basic teachings from so many, Christ & Buddha included. The Four Agreements keep you honest, safe, happy, and functional:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
2. Don't Take Anything Personally
3. Don't Make Assumptions
4. Always Do Your Best 

Relationship Thermometer

What's the health of your relationship? If you are feeling emotionally disconnected and/or unhappy with yourself, then I can guarantee your relationship isn't connected or happy either. For a relationship to thrive beyond boundryful and functional communication, both partners need to be balanced, self-fulfilled, and happy with themselves individually first. Leaning and relying on your partner to sustain you and/or "make" you happy is a sure fire way to destroy long-term viability within your relationship. Your happiness, contentment, fulfillment, and growth are up to you and you alone. You walk with a partner and grow with a partner, but should not live through or at the hand of one.